30 replies to this topic

[cateye999]

Good night Kiss!


One night a guy took his girlfriend home.

As they were about to bid each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.

With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".

"No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" .

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?" .....................

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours.. ..

TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE CALLING BELL !

[cateye999]

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Sunday morning at 11a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........

Just when the clock struck 11...

...

...

...

...

Bhola, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

[cateye999]

Magic Beer


A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real *bottom***** when you're drunk."

[cateye999]

Barber

guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Do me a favor man, follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says....

"Your house."

[cateye999]

Father and Son


A father and son went fishing one day. Sitting in the boat for a couple of hours gave the young lad plenty of time to think about the world around him. He began to get curious so he asked his father some questions. "Dad, how does this boat float?" he asked.

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said,
" Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

His father immediately assured him, "Of course not, son.
If you don't ask questions, how will you ever learn anything!"

[cateye999]

New Hire:



"If you're going to work here Rodney," said the boss, "the number two
thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this
firm."

"Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?"

"Oh, yes, sir." Rodney responded.

"And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is
truthfulness. There is no mat." said the boss.

[cateye999]

A Day at the Zoo


It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your boobs," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.

"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"

[cateye999]

The Persistent Duck

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."

The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.

The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No."

"Got any duck feed?"

[cateye999]

Silly Blonde Joke




A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them!"

Her friend said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! W."

[cateye999]

Little Tommy Turtle


A little turtle begins to slowly climb a tree. After long hours of great effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs frantically, until he crashes heavily into the ground. After recovering consciousness he starts to climb the tree again, jumps once more, but again crashes to the ground.

The little turtle does this again and again, while all the time his heroic efforts are being watched with sadness by a couple of birds perched on a nearby branch.

Finally, the female bird says to the male bird, "Dear, don't you think it's time to tell Tommy he is adopted?"

[cateye999]

Special Coffeecake



An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery', and sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

[cateye999]

Fallen seeks something to raise


Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00."

[cateye999]

The Artist


There was artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!"

[cateye999]

The Diner


Two men went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them.

The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained.

The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.

[cateye999]

Small world...


Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait for the two women who are ahead of them at the next hole to finish. They wait a few minutes, but soon get irritated at the amount of time the women are taking to play the hole.

One of the men decides that enough is enough. He tells his friend, "I'm going to go up there and tell those two to hurry up!"

He starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there, he returns to his friend. "What's wrong?" his friend asks.

"I can't go over there. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress."

His friend tells him, "That's okay, I'll go talk to them."

He too starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there, he too returns to his friend. He tells his friend,

"Small world..."

[cateye999]

Finding Religion


A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.

The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[cateye999]

Oldie But Goodie: Duk and Frog



A pair of chickens walk into a public library,
find the librarian and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.'


The librarian decides that the chickens want
three books, and promptly gives them some.
Without further ado, the chickens walk out.


Around midday, the two chickens are back
and looking quite annoyed. One leans over
to the librarian and says,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!'


The librarian decides that the chickens want
another three books and promptly gives them
some more. The chickens leave as before.


About an hour later the two birds march back
in, approach the librarian, looking very angry
now and nearly shouting, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk
Bukkooook!'


The librarian is now starting to get worried about
where all her stock is going. She decides to give
them more books but also to follow them and find
out what's happening.


She followed them out of the library, out of town,
and into to a park. At this point, she hid behind a
tree, not wanting to be seen.


She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a
frog in a pond, to which the frog was kept repeating,
"Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

[cateye999]

Good Joke: Magic


After tucking their nine-year-old child Jordan in bed one night,
Al and Elaine, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.

Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to
tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going
to die. No amount of talking was helping. Al, in an attempt to calm
him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it
from Jordan's ear. Jordan was delighted.

In a flash, Jordan snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed
it, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

[cateye999]

Ten Years Bad Luck

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"

[cateye999]

Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a babys. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn't matter.

Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen.

He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby"

"It is," he said, "9 pounds and 18 inches long!"

[cateye999]

Newsboy




A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of
papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled!
Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and
checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said,
"There's nothing in here about fifty people being
swindled."

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read
all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

[cateye999]

Saddam & Bagdad




Saddam's son goes shopping and comes back with it all in a box.

Saddam says "Why is the shopping in a box?"

His son says "Because there is no Bag-dad."

[cateye999]

Wisdom Via Kids



"We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can
only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in
the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in
the past."

==========

Wisdom Via Kids:

*"Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching."
- Andrew, Age 9


*"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
- Rocky, age 9


*"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
- Stephanie, age 8


*"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."
- Lamar, age 10


*"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents
are doing taxes."
- Carrol, age 9


*"Never bug a pregnant mom."
- Nicholas, age 11


*"Don't ever be too full for dessert."
- Kelly, age 10


*"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer
him."
- Heather, age 16


*"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, age 14


*"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
- Joel, age 12


*"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's
on the phone."
- Alyesha, age 13


*"Never try to baptize a cat."
- Laura, age 13


*"Never spit when on a roller coaster."
- Scott, age 11


*"Never do pranks at a police station."
- Sam, age 10


*"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
- Rob, age 10


*"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what
your mom told you to do."
- Hank, age 12


*"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
- Molly, age 11


*"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
- Chelsey, age 7


*"Stay away from prunes."
-Randy, age 9


*"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
- Phillip, age 13


*"Forget the cake, go for the icing."
- Cynthia, age 8


*"Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's
house."
- Joanne, age 11


*"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
- Matthew, age 12

[cateye999]

honeymoon





You may have heard about this new bride who was a bit
embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when
she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked
him if there was any way that they could make it
appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

[cateye999]

Three paramedics


Three paramedics were boasting about improvements
in their respective ambulance team's response times.

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,"
bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency
response time by ten percent."

The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad,"
the second paramedic commented. "But by using a
computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our
average ERT by 20 percent."

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations,
until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our
ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our
emergency response time in half!"