5 replies to this topic

[PIPER-4-HIRE]

TAE A FERT

This poem is appropriate for reading to an audience shortly after they have eaten the haggis - you will need an audience with a sense of humour!

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin’ all ower the place.

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A’bodys gonnae have tae pay
Even if ye try to stifle,
It’s like a bullet oot a rifle.

Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shift yersel frae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it doesnae reek.

But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap a thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me, a sonic boom!

God almighty it fairly reeks;
Hope I huvnae *BLEEP* ma breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw whit the hell, its no ma worry.

A’body roon aboot me chokin,
Wan or two are nearly bokin
I’ll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile.

Wis him! I shout with accusin glower,
Alas too late, he’s just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
I dinnae feel welcome any mair.

Where ere ye go let yer wind gan free
Sounds like just the job fur me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's perty
Ower the sake o won wee ferty.

The author is unknown, although it is definitely a takeoff on Burns’ “To a Mouse”.
Contributed by David Hain, Brockville, Ontario, who certainly livened up our Band’s Christmas Party with his reading of the above, shortly after Burns’ Address to the Haggis!

[Albus Dumbledore]

well, i got about 2 stanza's in and i stoped...i understand it is poetry but the english on there is a bit difficult to understand an di just dot have the time

[jlhaslip]

English? Don't tell a Scotsman that.
http://www.robertbur.../works/75.shtml

[gigidawg]

hehe yeah i agree with Albus Dumbledore, its not that i can't understand it but because it's in "ye olde english" makes it not that funny.

[Avalon]

That is too funny for words! For those that can't understand it, try saying the words out loud in a Scottish accent. It is the accent that makes it funnier. If it helps, I will try to translate for you, hope it's still as funny and PIPER-4-HIRE, please correct me if I get it wrong.

Quote

TO A FART
Oh what a sleekit horrible beast
Lurks in your belly after the feast
Just as you sit down among your kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind.

The turnips and potatoes and mushy peas
Start working like a gentle breeze
But soon the pudding with the sauncie face
Will have your blowing all ower the place.

No matter what the hell you do
Everybody's going to have to pay
Even if you try to stifle,
It’s like a bullet out a rifle.

Hold you bum tight to the chair
To try and stop the leaking air
Shift yourself from cheek to cheek
Pray to God it doesn't reek.

But all your efforts go asunder
Out it comes like a clap a thunder
Ricochets around the room
Mighty me, a sonic boom!

God almighty it fairly reeks;
Hope I haven't *BLEEP* my pants
To the toilet I better scurry
Aw what the hell, its not my worry.

Everybody round about me choking,
One or two are nearly puking
I’ll feel better for a while
Can't help but raise a smile.

It was him! I shout with accusing glower,
Alas too late, he’s just keeled ower
You dirty bugger they shout and stare
I didn't feel welcome any more.

Where ever you go let your wind go free
Sounds like just the job for me
What a fuss at Robbie's party
All for the sake of one wee farty.

The rhyme doesn't work as well and some of the words I can't translate, but I think you get the general idea.

[PIPER-4-HIRE]

Avalon, on Apr 5 2006, 09:29 AM, said:

That is too funny for words! For those that can't understand it, try saying the words out loud in a Scottish accent. It is the accent that makes it funnier. If it helps, I will try to translate for you, hope it's still as funny and PIPER-4-HIRE, please correct me if I get it wrong.
The rhyme doesn't work as well and some of the words I can't translate, but I think you get the general idea.

no problem, some words dont translate all that well ne way.

ALBUS- i understand where your comin from but if you heard it being read you would be ROTFLYAO, the joke it self is mostly in the expression and the acting of the person reading it.