10 replies to this topic

[Adrianbar]

Ok... so my story was actually one that seemed from a fairy tail, but has become a horror novel.

it started around 7 years ago, I met this gilr whom I liked instantly, I started calling her we went out twice, but nothing happened, because she was just coming out of a long and traumatinc relationship... I thought that was it, never saw her again until a year and a half ago when we met again at a friends b-day party... we hit it off right then, the only problem was that it was a long distance relationship, but somehow we managed to make it work... early in the relationship I noticed that she had several problems caused by two traumatinc relationships (after the one 7 years ago), she had trust issued and was always trying not to get "too involved". However, I really like this girl, and after so long I decieded to earn her trust and show her the nicer side of relationships, show her that she couls trust her parner, etc.

around 8 months ago she moved to the same town I live in and we hae been practically living together ever since... (now's when it gets ugly)... from the moment she arived here, she practically wen off sex, I read about it and the reason might have been that she was depressed, 'cause she never felt like it, she missed her family, friends, etc. so I decieded not to push it, and basically wait for her to "feel like it", also, since I thought she was depressed, I tried to give her more of my time, I was always with her, planning activities, trying to show her a good time, to be there for her, I even stopped going put with my friends...

Everyday I would try to take her out, to a bar, to dance (which I hate doing) but all she wanted to do was sleep early because she had to work the next day... about 2 weeks ago I had to leave on a business trip (it was a wednesday) and the very same day she went out and partied untill 4 am with her friends, when she told me about it (at least she is very honest) I actually felt happy because she had a good time, the problem is that she repeated this everyday I was away and when I came back she went back to the sleep early 'cause she had to work story... so obviously I got furious and told her the problem wasn't she wanted to sleep, the problem was she didn't want to gou out with me... finally I apologized for being selfish and that was that.

last saturday she had a highschool reunion and I decieded not to go (also I didn{t get invited) so that she would go with her friends, and have a good time alone, to give her space... but the day before that we went out together and were having a good time, but suddenly she told me she wanted to leave adn when I asked why she got furious and told me she needed to rest so she would not be tired the next day for her reunion and then she told me she couldn't stand me anymore, she didn't love me anymore, that I'm trying to hug her all the time, that I'm asking her how she feels (I actually thought this was a good thing) all the time and that she doesn't wanna see me anymore...of course we broke up and she moved out so... now (5 days later she stared calling me, she didn't apologize and pretends nothing's happened.

Now, I love this girl to bits, I think it's the first time I have loved someone, but what she showed me is that she doens't want me to worry about her and that I cannot do... she hurt me deep, I was living for her and feel that she depices my love... .) I don´t want to get back with her, but doubt I have the strenght to leave her...

Any advice?

Edited by Adrianbar, 13 December 2006 - 05:14 PM.

[gamma9]

Sorry to hear about that. Relationship trouble stinks. Been there, done that. Personally, I think that the best thing to do in a situation in which you are both not happy, that the best thing for you both is to put some distance between you. Sometimes, however much you regret it, or even deny it is happening, you just have to move on.

[keri-j]

If you have to end it, you have to end it. Relationships only work with two people.

The best advice I can give you on coping with a breakup is much icecream and chocolate and things that cheer you up... go out with some close friends... Don't lock your self away from the world. Stay social. It worked for me... then after eating the icecream I got very selfconsious and insecure about my body... which I had no reason to because I'm quite fit really... which lead to depression and went in a downward spiral which I've only really just got out of.

I was once with this girl... a girl. One of the only girls I'd really liked (I'm a bisexual guy... well, Bi but more inclined to go for guys... still Bi though.). Basically, for reasons it went long distance... it then pretty much ended. Neither of us used the phone much, especially her... we were quite shy really, but when we were physically together we were fine. It was great until it ended. And it hit me hard, even though I was the one who ended it... I just can't come to think how she dealt with it... she's quite a fragile person. I should really ring her some day. Sorry... this is your topic lol. Just wanted to share my story.

Anyway, as I said: Do things that cheer you up, and stay social... otherwise you'll stay at home for ages and no one will see you, which can be rather bad for friendships... Then again, if they're good friends they'll understand. Put on a brave face and try to stay happy.

[tuddy]

The problem here is, you gave her too much 'in your face 24/7' type thing, and chicks really don't like that. They wanna go out and have sometimes without you, and if you let them they feel you trust them.

They want you there when they need you for help, sadness, even when they want fun times however they will not like you tagging along being clingy just dosn't give her room to move or be herself. I think if you backed off alil you'd have a perfect relationsip, also she needs to see someone because i think she has a state of 'relation' truma which isn't great.

[master_bacarra]

well, some of the comments have already given some of my points.

saying about forgetting about a former love and doing it is two very different things altogether. there's always the feelings of attachment that is hard to break, especially if it has been connected for a long time. but i don't advice you to break it (unless you really want to). these connections will make you remember the good stuff that you both shared with each other, and forget about the hurtful stuff that she has done to you. i know it's ironic and sounds so difficult. yeah, it is difficult. there's not always an easy way to things, you know. i'm saying it so you wouldn't have any grudges against her when time comes that you're ready to face her, or meet a new one for that matter.

if you feel like you still don't want to cross paths with her as of the moment, then don't. give yourself some time and space, so you could heal. the fear comes in when you're not ready, that you fear you might get hurt again. diverting your attention could be a good thing to do, but i don't advice it on the first day. it's like running away from your problem. you should confront it first then you could divert your attention to more important stuff, in that way you'll be able to slowly forget about the painful stuff.

[team-nao]

The only thing you can really do is actually do stuff for yourself. Try and do tasks to take your mind off things. I know its hard, but its the only thing you can really try to do. Go out with a few friends and enjoy yourself, you never know. You might actually meet someone new.

The reason why I say this is, I was recently engaged to someone amazing. She had a child prior to us being together, but that didnt affect me one bit. I honestly did not care one bit, I enjoyed "being a father" for that period. We were planning our wedding for this coming summer, and eventually she began to act weird. She would hide letters from me and phone calls. And then told me one day that "we should take a break for awhile because she cant deal with the stress of a relationship". Ok reasonable, I know planning a wedding is hectic at times. Then I come to find out that she was lying and being deceitful behind my back for nearly a month. We split up, I grieved over the instances, and I lost overall 11% of body mass from not being able to eat. Alot of friends were there to comfort me and take me out and believe me it helps. About 2 weeks ago, I went out with a friend and came to find out that I actually met someone new while I was out. We started talking and went out casually for those past 2 weeks, and came to find that we actually had a great connection and started seeing each other officially.

So try to do stuff for yourself, you never what will happen. God works in mysterious ways, and believe me I know. I didnt believe in God for the longest period of time, when I should have the entire time, because he was there guiding and watching over me every second.

[Autumn]

It may not seem like a whole hell of a lot coming from me, but the best to look at a situation like this, is to know that you'll wake up in the morning.

I know I'm usually filled with insightful knowledge when it comes to relationships and dating, etc... But no one can give you advice on how to handle a break up. The best advice I can give, or anyone for that matter, is to just keep looking up...

Sorry for your loss all the same.

[Sentress]

I think this is dysfunctional and probably not healthy to continue. Perhaps you should do your best to remain friends in some capacity (not dating). Everything you describe makes it sound very much like you had a lot more emotionally invested in this relationship than she did. Bottomline, you won't be happy until you get over her. Breaking up sucks, and it sounds like you haven't experienced it before. Put your energy into something else. I understand that you love her and understand that you want to be with her, but that may not be the way the cards are dealt. You need to create a life for yourself that is fun and compelling and passionate that is independent of her, so that should the two of you get together in the future, as lovers or as friends, she will add spice to the recipe as opposed to being the main ingredient you're obsessing over.

Something I've found to really help minimise the impact of a breakup is to not only delete the numbers off the speed dial, but also archive / delete all the old emails. Get rid of the IM chatfiles. Delete old phone messages. Pick up, pack up and put away absolutely EVERYTHING that reminds you of her. You don't have to pitch it, just put it far away, in storage, out of sight. Someday, maybe, you'll have the distance and perspective to sift through all the old photos, keepsakes, etc... but for now going through that stuff is just picking at scabs.

And, I know this sounds cheesy, but go out and *do* something. Turn off the computer and get outside. Join a dodgeball team, get a pet, start a project, pick a hobby, join a 'meetup' or social networking club... heck host a MeFi meetup even. New interests and new people are great distractions from the mopes.

Take it from someone who knows: mooning around on the internet is a surefire path to despair. D:

[iGuest]

I am involved with a man who is married for 12 years and father of 2 kids somehow working on same office, we developed intimacy and this resulted in intimate relations. I don;t know how, I know I am wrong but why I am attached with him so much I want to move on but don't know how, I am not able to decide anything, he also says he luves me but I don;t rely because I know he is happy man with his wife, several times I tried but it is not happening , pls. Suggest something to me

-question by manoo

[mbafactory]

Hey, come on, break ups are not for hanging up there!
Try overcoming the pain by moving over, if you keep on crying, you will just waste your energy, time and deteriorate yourself. A relationship is always mutual, and if your partner is wishing to move away, then it is better to respect that decision without any further push. Keep in mind, it is better to part away than making things bitter so that you still have a good repport with him/her for future.