[b4dark]

These are actual directions found on certain products around the
world!


1. Directions found on a bag of frito corn chips.
"You could be a winner!!! No purchase neccessary!!! Details
inside!"
you think to your self (Shoplifters special)

2. On Tesco's Tiramisu Desert (directions on bottom)
"Do not turn upsode down"
(Too late)

3. On Marks & Spncers Bread Pudding.
"Product will be hot after heating"
(Just as day follows night)

4. On most kinds of christmas lights.
"Indoor and outdoor uses ONLY"
(As opposed to what now?)

5. On Sainsbury's peanuts.
"WARNING CONTAINS NUTS!!!"
(Talk about your news flash)

6. Found on an American Airlines Packet of peanuts.
"Step One: Open packet. Step two: Eat nuts."
You think to your self (Step three: Fly Delta)

7. On a sweedish chinsaw.
"Warning! PLease do not try to stop with hands or
genitals!!"
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere!My GOD!)

Taken from funny.com

[b4dark]

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true,"
the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed
has to be taken for the rest of my life"?

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

[b4dark]

It was the final examination for an introductory English course
at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and
exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and
told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly
two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A
half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor
stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams,
and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the
late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last
student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk
preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on
the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The
student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." Replied the professor with an air of
superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of
the room.

[b4dark]

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad
says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is
the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call
you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.
Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about
this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and
runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to
bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep $h!+."

[Milk]

Heh, they're okay. The last one is really old =P But still amusing.
The second one, with the lady and the doctor and the perscription thing, is a good one. It made me chuckle. >_> But anyways, post more, maybe you'll have an especially good one in the future.

[Faceless Guy]

I once saw a road sign: "do not jump here, you may fall". I had something like "well d'uh, but what's gonna make me wanna jump here?"

[NNNOOOOOO]

"What goes up, must come down."
What about age, or helium?

"No shirt, no shoes, no service."
What about pants?

[NNNOOOOOO]

Quote

Controller: I've got you on radar, state your intentions.
Pilot: Can I fly around in circles Sir?
Controller: Negative, you are in a busy airspace right now.
Pilot: Ok then, I'll fly around in straight lines.

Quote

Another time, we were about fourth in a long queue waiting to take off in our larger Boeing aircraft. The JFK ATC allowed a B737 on a local flight to take a short-cut and start his takeoff run by joining the main runway from a taxiway causing us to wait for him to take off and clear. "How do you like them apples?" he said on local VHF as he started his takeoff run. Boeing aircraft had a warning horn for major problems that you can test. Half-way along the B737's takeoff run, 'someone' held their cockpit mike to the horn and pressed it as they tested it. The B737 abruptly stopped takeoff with full reverse and full braking and shuddered to a halt, tires (tyres) smoking. A few seconds later we heard a voice on our VHF: "How do you like them apples?.."

Quote

Pilot: "Boeing Tower, Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha for a Mercer Departure at Alpha Niner with information X-Ray."
Tower: "Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha cleared for takeoff, runway 13 right, fly the Mercer departure."
Pilot: "Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha cleared for takeoff, is rolling."
45 seconds later...
Co-Pilot: "Boeing tower, please be advised, there is a flock of seagulls near the south end of runway 13 right at 400 ft."
Tower: (singing) "And I ran, I ran so far away... I just ran, I ran all night and day... I had to get away.."
Pilot: "Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha has humor..."
Tower: (hysterical laughter)

Quote

This happened at the small but busy Sarasota Florida airport in 1975. The tower was open from 6am until 10pm and most of the traffic was during daylight hours. There was a National flight in every night about 8:30pm and often had a joker at the wheel. On a particular dark night after handoff from Tampa approach the controller hears: "Sarasota tower, National123 with you... (pause) ... guess where?." The controller promptly turned off all the airport lights - there was no other traffic - and replied: "National123 - Sarasota tower - guess where?..." After a silence of about fifteen seconds the chastened National pilot came back: "Sarasota tower this is National Airlines flight 123 from Tampa and we are exactley 10.3 DME on the 300 degree radial inbound for landing.." The controller switched the lights back on and cleared the pilot to land.

more at:
http://www.businessb...funnyquotes.htm