37 replies to this topic

[sonesay]

Ok I got this problem where when ever I talk to someone my eyes cant stay focused on their eyes for long. Keeping eye contact for me is so hard, Eventually it will go over their features including face, body parts depending on who I am talking to. This is serious I know its rude to stare at people yet I still do it, I'm wondering how many of you do it out there.

It seems I do this to everyone I talk to friends, family, strangers. I feel so bad after the conversation is over and hope I didnt offend them. I know no ones perfect in looks but somehow I just do it. I'm not perfect looking myself, far from it yet I do it to others. The one annoying thing I notice is always looking at peoples teeth. My teeth isnt 100% white, clean and pefect but I still examine others for a second when talking to them, and if its slightly dirty I feel myself going "eww". And if their breath stinks its even worse I'm sure my reaction shows some sign of disgust. I dont mean to judge them but somehow I seem to do this and at most times I cant seem to stop it. Like I said these are everyone, random people, my friends and family.

what are your thoughts on this? please share.

[etycto]

when i hear staring problems is always when someone like sees something especialy someone and the look(stare) at the person mostly unatentionaly.
but if you staring at the persons features is realy noticible then some people might feel affended but most people at the end of the conversation will just think wow that kid is weared. also it's only nature, and i do it a lot also, that we pay attention to the person i'm talking to's heigeine, because your heigeine tend to tell a lot about you and most people want to know about the people they make friends. my mom always said "your mouth is socities way of seeing who you are" or something like that (cant translate it very well).

[t3jem]

I have a problem looking into peoples' eyes too; however, instead of looking at other parts of them I tend to look around the area we're in. I'll look at the wall and stuff, not at them. I think this is just my way of trying not to be rude, but sometimes I think looking away is rude too, I really have no help for you here, sorry.

[csp4.0]

i never, ever try to make eye contact. I always look beyond them, but it still looks like I'm focused in the conversation. I can't even manage a single bit of pure eye contact, for some reason it just feels so wrong, it makes me feel small compared to the person I'm 'eye contacting' and it sort of looks like I'm being 'growled' at by the person I'm 'eye contacting'. Also, like you I notice how a person's teeth, breath, hair etc is... It's just very, very distracting, and another thing is, people tend to make eye contact with you, I find that very scary for some reason, mainly because it makes me looks so small...

[Liam_CF]

t3jem, on Dec 27 2007, 05:32 AM, said:

I have a problem looking into peoples' eyes too; however, instead of looking at other parts of them I tend to look around the area we're in. I'll look at the wall and stuff, not at them. I think this is just my way of trying not to be rude, but sometimes I think looking away is rude too, I really have no help for you here, sorry.

The problem with this is that they might think you are not paying attention to them.

[etycto]

t3jem, on Dec 27 2007, 02:32 AM, said:

I have a problem looking into peoples' eyes too; however, instead of looking at other parts of them I tend to look around the area we're in. I'll look at the wall and stuff, not at them. I think this is just my way of trying not to be rude, but sometimes I think looking away is rude too, I really have no help for you here, sorry.

it's not very rude because where i'm when you're speeking to an adult you're not supose to look at them in the eye it's a sighn of respect i always did do that whenever i'm speaking to an adult but i never noticed that i did until someone mentiened something about that and i was like ohhh now that makes sonce.

[iGuest]

any input?
Staring Problem

I am forced to stare at people when I don't want to. In a movie theater, I will stare at people that are surrounding that are in my field of view even though I am watching the movie.

I tell myself not to look at them because it feels uncomfortable even for me and I can not not look at the people which I am trying not to look at. Also if I am watching tv with friends I am forced to look at them and it feels awkward unless I completely block them out of my field of view.

Even if I have just one of their feet in my sight I will try and look at the foot- but at the same time, I am watching the tv. Who knew this was possible? I didn't and I am dreading the fact that it is. Any advice? Any idea?

-tank

[iGuest]

i do the same thing!
Staring Problem

Well first of all hows it going? I myself could be better, ive got the flu.. Well I have the same problem as you! I don't know how long you have done this but I just started about 3 months ago..

It really stresses me out tho because I do it to everyone, family and friends... Also I know they notice I do it and its just so awkward... I was thinking I have OCD or something...

I'm here to figure it out cuz I don't know what to do. But just knowing that someone else does the same thing I feel better... Anyway email me back if you want to know more.. I sure would like to know more about your story... My names, I hope all goes well with you... I figure if you find someone that does the same it will help, helps me to know I'm not the only one and I'm not losing it... Take care!

ULI

-ME TOO

[Evolke]

If you struggle to look at their eyes, maybe try look at their eyelashes, or somthing close to their eyes. That way it will look like your still looking at this eyes ... maybe ...

[salamangkero]

I used to have this problem too, before. I'd look at a person's eyes, notice their teeth, scrutinize their zits, if they have any, look at their nose, study their ears and, generally, let my eyes wander all over their face. People would ask me then, "You're not paying attention, are you?" and I'd answer, "Yeah... no wait, what was that again?"

See, the fact that one looks or scrutinizes another person's physical appearance means that one's attention is drawn towards the other person's face. In other words, the problem is not in where the eyes are focused, rather, its is where the attention is focused. For me, the problem was solved when I really listened. When you put your mind into it, you wouldn't care about how people would react or how you look like looking at them. Instead, you'd be conjuring pictures in your mind as you try to visualize what they're really talking about.

When I asked a friend how I look like (physically) when they talk to me, they said, "Oh I dunno. Your eyes are roaming... one moment, they're connecting with mine, another, they're drawing figures in the air, then they'd crawl all over my face but, generally, they flicker."

"Flicker?"

"Yeah, they don't move in smooth continuous curves, rather, they move jerkily, like, uhm... like REM cycle." REM cycle, is the stage of sleep when the eyes flicker under closed lids, which coincides with what we call "dreaming". Anyway, she went on to say that my eyebrows move a lot, almost independent of each other, and that my eyes are the most evident cue that I am listening, or reacting, to what she's saying.

Anyway, the only suggestion I can give is try not to think too much about it. The more you focus on the objects of your gaze, the more you lose focus over the conversation that really mattered. A friend of mine once imparted to me a fable, which you may find helpful:

The centipede and the crow met. Said the crow, "How on earth do you crawl smoothly, with all those legs?" The centipede replied, "I dunno. I just do it." Said the crow, "It must be hard to control all those limbs," and with that, flew away. The centipede pondered over this. It tried to think on how it was able to control all those legs. Awkwardly, it took a few steps but, now, it noticed that some legs were lifting on their own. It tried to be conscious of the movement of each and every leg. That poor centipede has walked funny ever since.