22 replies to this topic

[GaiaZone]

I have a sister, and it wasn't until the mid of last year that she started hanging out with some weird people that were a bad influence on her. She's only 14 right now.

To help you understand my situation, I'll explain the whole story.

My sister was a normal girl until she turned 14. Her favorite color was pink, she always wanted to look beautiful... you know, the normal barbie stereotype of person. She started hanging out with some of the seniors that were rockers. She started to get involucrated with that type of environment until she reached the "emo" area. Those guys were the real bad influence. She started getting depressed all the time, sticking scissors in her door, fighting with everyone and isolating herself from the family.

One day she had a fight with my parents, which forbid her from going out, and left me in charge to keep an eye on her. That night she cut her wrist with one of her scissors. This might not seem such a big deal, but all this happened in a few months, which is a VERY short time span for such a drastic change.

Before, she wore pink, dressed to impress and was very social... Now, she dresses like she's going to participate in a circus, all black or with unmatched colors and hangs out with the "emos" only. She has stopped talking to her old friends.

Everything is an issue with her, I really don't know how to approach her anymore, every time I do, I end up getting screamed at. Everyone in the family is tired of this, it even got to a point that my dad said that she was not going to go out with the family until she started dressing like a girl and not a circus freak.

Any suggestions?

[bee312]

This is a horrible thing for someone to go through. But take it from a former cutter, help and support can get her through it. As much as she is going to resist the help. GET HER HELP. Do not avoid it, or ignore it. Many teens snap out of this phase very fast. But don't take that chance.
Show her you will be there for her. and don't give up on her.
Best of luck to all of you!
--Bee

[strange-garden]

Hmmm...Either...

1) She's a poser, and she's doing it to fit in
2) She really is depressed and is hanging out with this crowd because they have something in common with her

If she's cutting herself, she needs to see a psychologist.

Edited by strange-garden, 09 January 2008 - 02:54 AM.

[bishoujo]

I feel really sorry for your sister. Those 'rocker' friends of hers are a really bad influence and they give rockers and goths a bad name.
It's really difficult since she screams at you when you approach her. She's obviously doing this because she's at the age where she is very susceptible to influence, and she's probably afraid that she'd lose these 'cool' new friends of hers if she doesn't blend in with them.

I agree with bee, I had a friend who went emo and cut her wrist and stuff. She still has all the scars on her arm. She grew out of it after a couple of years. But I think it did affect her studies. Perhaps you can compile a photo album of her old photos looking all sweet and barbie-like and give it to her, and see what she thinks? It might evoke happy memories when she sees herself looking all pretty in contrast to the mess she is now. If she tries to cut herself again, tell her that it will leave scars and she's going to regret it when she grows up. Girls always want to look good. Take this tip from a girl. If you have friends who wouldn't mind befriending your sister, introduce them to her. Maybe some new company will remind her that her rocker friends aren't the only people who will be her friends.

And of course, always let her know you will be around to help her. She may be screaming because she wants to look like a rebellious rocker or she's just depressed. Don't get turned off just because she screams at you. She will soon get tired of screaming (it's tiring work) and she will eventually stop and let you say your piece.

By the way, with regards to your comment:

Quote

my dad said that she was not going to go out with the family until she started dressing like a girl and not a circus freak.

Does she actually still go on family outings and mingle with you all? Because if she still does, then at least it's a good sign. Tell your dad not to have such a mentality. It's all right to dress up differently, and if he stops her spending time with the family just because he can't accept the way she dresses, she may really ignore all of you for good.

[BuffaloHelp]

It is normal for a person in puberty to expand his or her horizon. This is defined by him or her where to explorer different aspects of life--in general.

Teenagers often go through depressing stages. And although it is accepted as normal it is not normal to cut herself. Usually a self inflicted injury is taken as "seeking an attention." And the lack of attention from her family is first to be examined. I am not here to say everyone else is wrong and your sister is just being normal. This is to introduce a deeper look into the family's relationship with your sister. Is your family going through some radical change recently? Are you parents extra busy at work lately? And the next examination is to see if your sister had some changes in her life--such as being dumped by her crush, extra stress from her school work or is she being bullied or abused...?

I have one younger sister. She is 33 years old and yet there were times she acted out of control. And it is not no long ago that she and I really had talked about what really bothered her. It was a shock to me that my sister was suffering from low self esteem. You see, my sister is the most strongest person I've ever known. She battled all her life to go after the things she truly love. She is one of the best teachers in NYC Board of Education. Her achievements in her school district even made the headline in The New York Times. Needless to say that she is very accomplished. And yet, after hours of heart to heart talk she admitted that she is totally afraid of failing. She was not confident about herself to show some imperfection in her life. And this stress really bottled within her for all these years. I never knew that. I felt like an idiot. Some big brother I turned out...

There's no quick solution, I believe. But the best thing is to heal slowly. Sometimes just listening is the best remedy. And don't give up no matter how many times you get shut down. If you give up on your sister she will expect to be alone for the rest of her life. Get to the root of the problem now. Don't let it build up. But take patience and understanding with your approach. You don't have to agree with her point of view. But all she might need is just an ear so that she can speak her mind.

Fighting for her is a good cause. You may be faced with complete humiliation at times. She may sound so harsh that it will break your heart. She may even insult you and step all over you. But don't give up! Let her know that you'll always be there for her. And, if the World is as perfect as I perceive, she will come around.

[GaiaZone]

Oh my. First of all I would like to thank you all for the replies in such a short amount of time.

She actually went to see a psychologist for 4 weeks. I don't think that did any difference.

I'm in a military academy, so is she. What I noticed that really helped was the support and caring our Colonel has for her. He's like part of our family. She started getting better and changed her behavior during last year's December. We really were glad about it. But something happened this year that after the 4th of January she started acting all weird again.

My dad snapped out at the moment because she really has pushed our family's sanity to the limit. They are all right at the moment.

About the picture album, well she has pictures of her all over her room. The issue is that she thinks she is in a better state than she was before, I have no idea why.

Currently she has a boyfriend which is very supporting and is trying to help her get her life straight again. He is currently in a rock band, and he puts a good name for the rockers.

I just realized that it might be just a situation that only time will heal. Everyone in the family is trying his/her best at helping her out and teaching her that there's no problem if she likes that stereotype and dresses like that, but that she needs to learn how to adapt her behaviour depending on the situation. I feel like she's slowly progressing.

Thanks for all your advises and support, it really has helped me figure out some things.

[master_bacarra]

I agree with Buff regarding teens exploring their world. It is the time of their life where they explore everything, trying out almost anything. It is the stage of their life where they search for their own identity, and in this stage, they are most vulnerable to influences, just like what had happened to your sister. I don't think emo people are bad, just misinterpreted, and like everyone else, they have a story behind that attitude. They band together like the catch phrase "misery loves company". Since they feel left out, like the world is against them, why not be with each other and drown in each other's misery? But seriously, these kids, like what Buff mentioned, are looking for attention, understanding and love that their family doesn't give enough, if not more. But it doesn't mean that each and everyone of these kids have "real" issues. Some of them are just probably lured to the group, and even if they really don't have those issues in their life, they unconsciously make up one so they could belong. But then again, that could still be just part of the "i'm exploring my world" thing.

The best you could do is to have constant communication with your sister. Hopefully, your parents will join in soon. I know it's hurting them too, so it is most advisable if it's you who should first come "in" and communicate with her. Gain her trust first and then you could convince her to open up and probably let your parents "in" in the process. Outside help like counseling could boost things up, but it is more advisable if it is family-centric. After all, you should be the first ones to know about her problems, not anyone else. Make sure that you're always with her every step of the way so she won't feel alone. A psychologist would be useful with regards to her state of mind. Did you know that when someone attempts to kill himself/herself but ends up failing to do so has already become "damaged"? Meaning there's a greater chance that they'll end up becoming mentally unstable. Of course I didn't say that to scare you or anything. You could also reach out to her through her boyfriend, if you feel like she's more close to her boyfriend that her own family.

I hope that helps even for a bit. And good luck with your problem.

[Liam_CF]

Hopefully this is just a phase that she will pass through. All you can really do is hope that she'll see sense. It appears that she has set her mind that she wants to be 'emo' and nothing can stop her.

Trying to force her to change will only make it worse.

[GaiaZone]

master_bacarra, on Jan 10 2008, 03:53 PM, said:

I agree with Buff regarding teens exploring their world. It is the time of their life where they explore everything, trying out almost anything. It is the stage of their life where they search for their own identity, and in this stage, they are most vulnerable to influences, just like what had happened to your sister. I don't think emo people are bad, just misinterpreted, and like everyone else, they have a story behind that attitude. They band together like the catch phrase "misery loves company". Since they feel left out, like the world is against them, why not be with each other and drown in each other's misery? But seriously, these kids, like what Buff mentioned, are looking for attention, understanding and love that their family doesn't give enough, if not more. But it doesn't mean that each and everyone of these kids have "real" issues. Some of them are just probably lured to the group, and even if they really don't have those issues in their life, they unconsciously make up one so they could belong. But then again, that could still be just part of the "i'm exploring my world" thing.

The best you could do is to have constant communication with your sister. Hopefully, your parents will join in soon. I know it's hurting them too, so it is most advisable if it's you who should first come "in" and communicate with her. Gain her trust first and then you could convince her to open up and probably let your parents "in" in the process. Outside help like counseling could boost things up, but it is more advisable if it is family-centric. After all, you should be the first ones to know about her problems, not anyone else. Make sure that you're always with her every step of the way so she won't feel alone. A psychologist would be useful with regards to her state of mind. Did you know that when someone attempts to kill himself/herself but ends up failing to do so has already become "damaged"? Meaning there's a greater chance that they'll end up becoming mentally unstable. Of course I didn't say that to scare you or anything. You could also reach out to her through her boyfriend, if you feel like she's more close to her boyfriend that her own family.

I hope that helps even for a bit. And good luck with your problem.

Part of this could be true, specially the first paragraph.

On the second one I have to add that my parents are currently having a "good" communication with her. They probably reach her the most, except for her boyfriend, which she (I'm assuming) would trust more than my parents.

On the "suicide" note, she never tried to suicide. She probably wanted attention, or just tried to do what her "friends" do when they get depressed or in a tight situation (most of them are not really friends, at least I wouldn't consider a friend someone who tells you how to harm yourself). Thankfully, the most she will be ashamed of is the scar from her cut(s), when she grows out of this of course (I hope thats what she will regret the most, I can't imagine what else she could regret more than that right now).

At Liam: Hopefully it will pass sooner or later.

Thanks for the support guys, it REALLY has helped. =]

[anachro]

there are alot of good suggestions above, and I (kindof) know what you are going through; You see, I'm an "only child" but I have 2 step-brothers and a nearly 2 year-old half-sister. Maybe about 2 years ago my step brother (who lives with his dad, and then his mom/my dad on certain days) got into hanging out with drug heads and dropouts that were my age, and he was 12. As you can guess he went down the bad road, and has been through hell since. He's still in the hole.

Early this year my Step-mother made him take a drug test, and they found traces of heroin in his system (this was a military grade test BTW), and he went in, and broke out of several rehab clinics, he stole some $200 from the savings my dad and s-mom had setup for my little sister, along with alcohol. He's been through alot (his parents divorce) and I don't blame him for getting how he is, but I wish he could have been more positive, but I know thats very hard.

With what I know from the experiences I had you could try to get on your sisters good side, become someone she can confide in; I wouldn't recommend the photo-album as someone mentioned above: for a girl in her situation I think it would be VERY counter-productive, and possibly a fatal move.

Try to become her friend, and look for something you or your parents may have done in the past which could have possibly helped her travel down the path she is in. Anything could have happened, and it may not be something which your end could have been responsible for. it could simply be that she wanted to be something different and has taken it to an extreme; I dyed my hair green and dressed thrashy for a couple years, but now I'm a clean cut (although long haired ) ideal member of society, I pay taxes (although 17 ), I obey the law, I don't drink/smoke/do drugs and I do my damnedest in school and I do work for the community, and your sister could have the same swing effect, you never know; but trying to find out, and help guide her like a good big brother is the right thing to do.