[DazedAndConfused]

Well, recently I've been in a long distance relationship for about 6 months over the internet with a girl I met online. We've met once, but, due to circumstances outside our control, we haven't been able to get together, and probably won't for some time, maybe years. Our relationship has been quite amazing actually, talking over Skype and via AIM almost every day, sometimes bordering on 12 hours a day.

Now, up until recently everything's been pretty smooth, but, recently it's began to wane a bit. For the last week or so, she hasn't really been initiating conversations, leaving me doing most of the talking, always responding, but usually very shortly, like "lol". She also has not wanted to be on Skype much. Now, I realllllly love talking to her, and have told her so, maybe a bit TOO much. I emphasize that I only want her to be happy, and if she doesn't feel like talking, that's perfectly fine. Maybe too often, in fact. The thing is, it's true, but I'm constantly worried that I might upset her somehow, losing the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know somewhere that my feelings are at least partially irrational, but, I can't help but stop worrying...

I am actually wondering if I should just back off, maybe I'm being too clingy for her, and she just needs space? She feels like she must respond when I message even if she doesn't really feel like talking? I don't know, I'm really not very experienced in relationships even though I'm well past the normal age for such. At the same time, I worry that if I back off, stop messaging her, she'll think I've stopped caring or that I'M the one who doesn't want to talk. I know it's only been a week, maybe I'm fretting far too much over such a short time.

Any advice?

Thanks a bunch!

[truefusion]

It could be anything on why she's not as active with you as she used to be. If you already told her that you care and will help her in whatever she needs help in, saying it over and over again isn't going to make it more true and it's her choice to take you up on that. I know you're worried, i would be too if i were in your position, but it can really be anything and would be best if no conclusion-jumping occurs. This is a bit of a touchy situation, so advice on the matter is a bit difficult, and you've probably already come up with some ideas of your own, but during your recent conversations, has there been certain times where the conversation has been more lively? If so, perhaps you should talk a lot less or not at all outside of that time until things become "normal" again. If she asks why you've been slightly quiet, then tell her your concerns.

[DazedAndConfused]

Thanks a lot, that's similar to what I was thinking. Now, however, things are a bit different. The same night, she told me she no longer wanted to be 'together' anymore just friends. Which, with an internet relationship with no outside contact, really isn't all that much different, yet at the same time, there are WORLDS of difference. Yesterday, the day after the event, and even during the actual breakup, we were able to really talk again, it really almost seemed normal. But at the same time, she has said that she doesn't think we'll ever even get together, in 3 years or 10... As to why, I'm not really sure, I don't really think her feelings are gone, and, there were no fights or infidelities. However, I know I failed on trust and jealousy issues, said a couple things that should never have been said... For instance, she got on Skype the other day for the first time in about a week, and I was like o.o, and callllled. The call was refused, and she said maybe later. And I realized she had gotten on to talk to another friend, one who also hadn't been on much. I then made the silly comment, "Oh, I didn't realize Sarah was online" (Name changed to protect, etc etc) Other times in the past, I've done other things like when she takes a long time to respond, "I guess you're distracted, go ahead, talk to other people, that's a good thing" since she tends to isolate herself socially. She said she wasn't talking to anyone, and then I took a small snippet a friend had pasted just for discussion in an online chat, and said, actually, I know you're talking. I later found out that it had only been a small thing briefly, brief enough that it was fairly not really talking. Now that event was a long time ago, but I can't help but feel guilty...

Finally, the other day, we exchanged slightly revealing pictures of each other. Nothing explicit, less than you probably see on TV everyday. We've talked extensively, and we agreed that a sexual aspect of our relationship if it ever comes to being together, will come as it comes, she feels uncomfortable with it, and to be honest, I'm at very least a bit nervous too, though, if I'd ever share it with anyone, it would be with her. I view it more as a way to make her happy, than for my own pleasure, though, I believe I would find a considerable amount of pleasure as well, but, if she's not comfortable with it... She truly means the world to me, the lack of sexual relations wouldn't be a sacrifice. I really regret that day though, exchanging the pictures I mean, because really, that's not what's important to me in the relationship, and I believe that may have been what killed it. On that note, I've offered to delete the picture if she feels uncomfortable with it, I mean, she's more important to me than any picture, and to be honest, I haven't even really looked at the picture, it's not what's important to me and it feels hollow, since it doesn't give HER pleasure... Her laugh, her smile, that's what means the world to me...

It really isn't that I don't trust her, and I really do want her to have a life, but another part of me just wants to talk ALL the time, even though we talk a LOT as is...

I asked her why she wanted to end it, she said she really didn't know, she had just started thinking about it the last four days, and made the decision.

We talked a long time, I accepted the proposition of just being friends, asking her to leave the door open... (Now I think that might have been a rather foolish thing to say, as she either has the door open or doesn't, my asking probably only having a minor effect at best)

I also started helping her with a computer issue, which we didn't end up completing and agreed to finish the next day. And the energy that had been missing in our conversation was just back.

Now, every thing I've read suggests that it is ABSOLUTELY necessary to wait before contacting her again if I want to get back together, which, really, there's nothing I want more. But, I was stuck having promised to finish helping her again, so, we talked again, again really having a very good conversation till the wee hours of the morning.

I hoped that with our conversation reemerging, she might change her mind... I hadn't slept much the night before, I just woke up after two hours and couldn't sleep, so, during this conversation, despite usually staying up till 5-6 in the morning, I was getting tired around 3:00. I mentioned that I was tired, so I would probably go to sleep early, having had trouble sleeping the night before. Though, I ended up staying on anyway, since I just really wanted to talk to her. I don't know if that in and of itself may have been a mistake. But anyway, she apologized for the sleep issue, but, unsurprisingly made no indication that she had changed anything.

Anyway, most stuff I read online from people says "Wait 30 days, or at least several weeks, before talking again," but, very few, if any, are similar to this situation, a peaceful break up with a internet relationship and a friendship that is still actively working, on much the same levels as the original relationship. To me, it feels unfair to HER for me to just go off and disappear for thirty days.

So, I have a couple of choices,

A) Go away from chatting for a significant period of time, hoping something will change, but, to me this feels unfair to her, though, to be fair, we've never been apart for more than 24 hours or so in the entire time we've been in the relationship, and if she needs time alone, I certainly want to give it to her.
Talk to her about my feelings now, but I don't want to hurt the relationship by seeming like I'm begging, or get a pity response
C) Let the friendship continue and maybe redevelop into more, and maybe not, things do appear to be going well, but I'm also afraid that she's chafing underneath, though, to be honest, it feels like she's enjoying things too, albeit a bit torn up about having had to break the relationship

My leaning in this position is towards C, but, I really don't know if I'm making a rational decision, or just wanting to talk to her anytime I can.

I appreciate any advice you can give, thanks a lot!

This post has been edited by DazedAndConfused: 11 June 2008 - 04:16 PM

[Archangel_Baw]

Honestly love, I would just get on with my life if I were you instead of feeding myself with false hope.

I don't mean to sound insensitive and I know this is easier said than done, especially when I can feel how hard it is for you to just let go of this relationship and how much emotion and time you have invested into it.

However, I think its best for your health (mentally, physically and spiritually) to just keep yourself busy and stay off skype. I realize you've formed a daily habbit with this chatting thing, but remember this: (my dad always told me)"It takes 7 days to form a habbit and 14 days to break it." So keep busy and since you are officially single now hang out with other girls and enjoy yourself, oh and DON'T talk about her all the time, and if you can do this, you will find someone who loves you enough to MAKE time for you:)
Best of luck to you:)

[DazedAndConfused]

Archangel_Baw, on Jun 11 2008, 12:20 PM, said:

Honestly love, I would just get on with my life if I were you instead of feeding myself with false hope.

I don't mean to sound insensitive and I know this is easier said than done, especially when I can feel how hard it is for you to just let go of this relationship and how much emotion and time you have invested into it.

However, I think its best for your health (mentally, physically and spiritually) to just keep yourself busy and stay off skype. I realize you've formed a daily habbit with this chatting thing, but remember this: (my dad always told me)"It takes 7 days to form a habbit and 14 days to break it." So keep busy and since you are officially single now hang out with other girls and enjoy yourself, oh and DON'T talk about her all the time, and if you can do this, you will find someone who loves you enough to MAKE time for you:)
Best of luck to you:)

Well, I'm familiar with the train of thought, as it appears to be the dominant one. And from my studies in psychology, I know that people often find ways to hide from painful truths. But at the same time, the reality is, these things sometimes DO work out, even if rare. There are so many things people do because it's the dominant thought, too many risks people don't take, because they're risks. I know that I'm setting myself up for being hurt to some degree, but, all I know, is she's worth it. What I'm more concerned about is hurting her. Maybe the best way to avoid hurting her is indeed drifting away. But at the same time, giving up just because things might or even probably won't work just isn't in my nature. I just want to approach this with the minimal injury to her. Both of us aren't the type of people to have many friends, we have difficulties forming attachments. I really think I can keep at very least the friendship going, and frankly, even a friendship, means more to me than anything else.

I understand the logic of saying go away for a while, she'll contact you if there's a possibility of getting back together, but, I just want to weigh in all possible sides of the die so to speak. I want to approach this having considered ALL sides, not just the one common response.

Though, I am doing the rest, getting more involved in family, activities to fight the depression, and even in the friendship with her, I really do find solace. She's just such an amazing person, we can talk about EVERYTHING, I dunno, I think ending with her completely would be a mistake, though, I'm still open to hearing more from all sides of this issue.

I really do appreciate the advice, it's well taken.

Thanks.

EDIT: Well, I think ultimately, I may just let it slide back to friendship for the time being. I decided to talk again, because really, it's not me to do otherwise, and if I'm not being myself... I will miss the relationship, but I still have hope of eventually fixing things. Our friendship continues quite smoothly so far. It will be another 3 years until the relationship could become non-long distance anyway due to education completion, so, in some ways, it may be better for it to be friendship. I also think I may have turned it from friendship to a serious relationship too quickly, so, this will give it more time to mature properly. Any advice on how to proceed if I do try to make it more again in the future? Is it something I will be able to safely ask having been friends for a while? Or do I have to wait for her to ask, since she broke off?

This post has been edited by DazedAndConfused: 12 June 2008 - 06:21 AM

[truefusion]

DazedAndConfused, on Jun 11 2008, 12:59 PM, said:

Is it something I will be able to safely ask having been friends for a while? Or do I have to wait for her to ask, since she broke off?

I'd say wait for her to give the signal. And if she does, make sure it's not wishful thinking on your side. But there's no guarantee that she will.

[t0od0pe4u]

I can see how you believe this is the best thing that has ever happened to you, but theres one thing missing in long-distance relationships.

Intimacy.

Emotionally, you can fall over this girl. but what about physically?

Thats pretty important to any relationship...and thats what she was missing.

Having a relationship that relies on sitting in front of the computer for hours of the day is bad socially and can wear you down.

Ive met an awesome girl over the net years ago...but it just could never be because of the distance. Phone convos were great and all..webcams helped alot....but in the end...the touch of someone you love is much better than typing....

Just my two cents...

[iGuest]

I have been in a raltionship for 8 months now.WhenI met him he was going thru a divorce.The divorce was so bad that he hit rock bottom.When he had went to court for his divorce the judge ordered him to pay for his wife credit cards.H e paid them for a while then the company he had hit rock bottom now he has no money.I stepped in to help him pay his bills but he didn't want it like that.He wanted my help but not like this.He became more depressed.
So finally he decided to open up a lingere site online to get money.At first business was slow and his bills were getting futher and futher behind.I was doing all I could do.It was almost time for his court date and his wife and crew knew the only way he was naking it was by me and if the they get me out the pic then the bills wouldn't get paid and he would go to jail.So they started following me home saying they know whee I live and they was going to get me and that the kne knew where my son was to mails that he is only using me.It really freaked me out about now they have my child involved.So I told the man it's best we just back off off for a while.We both f didn't want this but it was for the best.
After the y found out we broke up they left me alone.He decided he was going to move to get his pride and life back so he moved 14 hours from me with family.When he left he said he would call me soon.I was very heart broken .After 3 weeks he called me.We talked about once a week.Finally after 2 months I saw him.He was coming in for his final divorce which was granted.I saw him for 4 hours and it was pure innocent fun.We just kissed a lot.It was sad for him to go because he expressed to me that he didn't want to leave like that and if he didn't they wouldn't have never left me alone but he is coming back strongier.Things for him is looking up.He is back in schhol and his lingere company is picking up.We only talk now 2 or times a week and I miss him.He said he didn't want anyone else right now his life is focesed on getting his life back the one they took from him.Should I be patient or tell him to call me everyday.Most of all I love him a lot and I don't know what to do.H e calls me during the dayand I was like why do you always call me during the day and he is like I am busy but I do call you.So what should I do?I don't want it to be like my life is all around him.When a person needs to get things together is this the journey I have to go on and wait for

-reply by debra

[Echo_of_thunder]

Seeing this reminds me a lot of myself. I too have been in a realationship long distance over the net for going on 2 yrs now. I am from the USA and She from the Phils. She and I do love each other greatly and do also talk on the phone at least once a week. We know that chances are we will never really meet in person, but she and I both do have faith in whoever may be above.

That is my advice to you. Gotta have faith, and things will always work out for the best for both of you.

[hertonsils]

To be honest there could be many reasons but the most obvious one does sound to me like she is feeling a bit smothered. I think it would be in your best interest to just back off a bit, maybe play the "uninterested" card and she might get curious as to why and suddenly the tables will be turned and she is the one wanting to talk to you.

It might be hard but take yourself away from the computer for a bit so you resist the temptation to speak to her, go find something else to do to take your mind off her... after a few days of not being on she is bound to wonder where you've been.

Good luck with it and hope it works out for you.

[mandla]

nothing hurtsd like the situation you are in buddy. A half open door sends such mixed signals I know this is hard for you cause your head doesnt know whether to heal or not. See if she said Im done f... off you know exactly where you stand and it hurts for a few weeks and its over you start to heal. You get on with your life. but when theres no closer you dont know whether you're wanted or not. You are in constant debate ion ytour heart and constant fear you'll be kicked out. Like being on death row and not knowing when the big day will come. I'd say just be brutal to be kind. Asume the worst and move in that direction. Tell yourself she's just to nice to hurt you directly and walk away. Block her from skype so you dont know whether she's contacted you or not. Dont contact her, avoid logging in to IM and skype because that only makes you wait and wwait for her to initiate conversation. See its easier to blame yourself and say it was me who blocked her because i was being stupid or I listened to that idiot Mandla of Knowledge sutra than to ask yourself why isnt she texting me or talking to me is she shutting me out, what is wrong because you wont get answers there and it will as a result only stress you out. so bite the bullet and make the move.

Maybe she doesnt realise how much you going through but if you mirror her treatment she'll understand how it felt one day. I was once in a similar situation with a girl in australia, same senario she started acting shady as if she did not wanna talk. I was a wreck emtionally but someone said do the same to her. but go further block her so you know why she hasn't contacted you. that way you not asking why hasnt she contacted me because you have the answer yet shes asking why has he stoppped contacting me. Whats going on has he found another. think about it. no one wants to be dumped. Even if you hated this girl you were dating and were on the bus going to break up with her and she calls you and says i dont want to be with you anymore suddenly you'll forget that you was on your way to dump her and you'll start saying but why cant we work things out. so the same applies here.

with the aussie girl she always said im busy planning for my lesson tommorow (she was a teacher) and im tied i have a lesson tommorow morning. I kept saying to her just 5 minutes a day is all i ask and she'd say thats fair but everytime i found her on line chatting to other people and then as soon as we start talking she'd realise how tired shewas and it was sleepy time as she called it. So I shut her out and a month later she was emailing me and literally stlking me, whats happeneing you dont talk to me and she was getting all upset. I said to her I will be busy sorting out my stuff for work and all that, When ever she initiated contact by phone i'd talkl for two minutes then say i have to go get my dinner at the chinese/ inidan/ KFC or nandos one excuse after the other and soon she was mad. Are you seeing anoither girl, tell me so i dont waste my time and feelings. And i asked her do you assume that im lying now because you were lying then. Because realise you were unavailable to be back then for 4 months saying you busy plannig your lesson plans and or sleepy time. how many times did i beg for five minutes a day and you said you were busy. did I accuse you of cheating. NO!! I say the same stuff to you and you go ape sh*t and say im cheating. What makes you think that when a person says they are busy they are lying and seeing someone else unless you have experience witht hat lie yourself. She tried to explain that with her it was different because she really was doign as she said but couldnt really say outside of her what the difference really was. Needless to say I told her exactly what my terms and conditions were if she wanted to continue this. I needed taking care of as much as her lesson plans and if she was gonna be putting sleepy time as priority then I was out. Unfortunately I had lost interest in her by then and shortly after that I just blcked her from email and skype and IM and never contacted her again. Mean but served her right.

be vague and justr answer her lazily like just lol or brb and never get back to her.

[nirvaman]

Quote

Well, recently I've been in a long distance relationship for about 6 months over the internet with a girl I met online.

I personnally don't believe in cyber love !
I think that women are evil ( this is not me , but i've copied anwiii's words) , and out of control even when they are close to us , so what do you think about a women far away from you ? I still don't believe in cyberlove , it's a waste of time !