anwiii, on Dec 7 2009, 03:23 AM, said:
personally, i think YOU have the problem. your thinking and expectations is all wrong and it's coming our through your post like wildfire.
your parents may have not been the best parents in the world, but that's shouldn't dictate how you go through life with bitterness and controlling vengance to hope one day you see the guilt in their eyes.
obviously being brought up a certain way has done a number on you. i am sorry for that. instead of conceptrating on the evil evil thoughts you have for your parents, start concentrating on the real reasons why they are the way they are and how it has affected you and possibly think about what you can change about your own self.
just try to be the best person you can be. one day, i have faith that you will see the flip side of the coin without the sruggle of being bitter. that will make you grow old REALLY quick. aside from the bitterness, you carry a jealousy that will only ruin your relationship not just with your parents, but brother and sister. i've seen it happen before and it's not pretty.
i think you are loved and your parents just didn't show it perfectly for you to see
so now you live away from home, married with two kids. you grew up pretty fast....you're supposed to be an adult now but talk selfishly like a child.
with that said, it's ok to vent but i doubt you will find any true answers here. those can only come from with inside you. you seem to be a nice enough person and i am sure your parents love you. they just didn't know how to show it perfectly. will you be able to show it perfectly towards your own kids? will you be able to give all the attention your handicap child needs? you don't need to answer that because as you already know now, it will be up for your kids to answer that question.
i would also urge you to not give up. i feel you love your parents and it sorta shows in your post that you still care. mothers and fathers generally have different roles and even if they didn't fullfill those typical roles where it left you neglected, i would always hope you are still open with them in telling them you love them and seeing some of the good qualities.
i've seen bitterness and jealousy before and it makes people blind. it's a distraction to the other side of the story. it creates selfishness and it leads people to only focus on the negative when in fact there is still positive....even if it's hard to see sometimes.
the fact i think they love you, i think they are already hurt in how you feel and maybe even questioning what they could have done better as parents. i don't think rubbing in the hurt or reminding them of the past will do anymore good. do you?
Thankyou very much for taking the time to reply to my rant. I dont think about this all the time, but when i'm alone and you know how you get caught in your own thoughts. I agree, I totally need to move on, because it affect other aspects of my life. I think as i mentioned, the thing I resent is being treated so differently. This was, to be fair just a vent, and I sortof forgot people will actually read it and reply. Thanks again.
Misanthrope, on Dec 7 2009, 06:52 AM, said:
When I was at University I dated a guy (we'll call him Jeremy for the sake of this conversation) who grew up in a situation somewhat similar to what to what the thread starter has described. His mother was emotionally abusive, and his father (not paternal) covered the physical side, occasionally knocking him and his older brother around, while leaving his sister alone. Fortunately for Jeremy, this horrible man met with an untimely end behind the wheel of an automobile late one night. But his mother survived the crash, and lived on to torment him throughout his teen years. I actually met this person and can attest to the sadistic joy she took in wearing down Jeremy's self-esteem. After we drove across two states to visit her on his birthday (naively hoping she had changed?), the first words out of her mouth to him were, "You look horrid." Nice to see you too, Mom. He was hoping he'd get the usual welcome one might get after driving 500 miles to visit a relative one hadn't seen in a year. Oh, I don't know. Something like a warm hug, engaging conversation, and an invitation to sit down and take a freakin' load off. Certainly not a verbal slingshot right between the eyes. This was only a taste of things to come. While there for the weekend, I witnessed such emotional atrocities on her part I wondered how he had managed to grow into the gentle soul he was verses an ax murdering ghoul. It seemed most of what spewed forth from that venomous mouth of hers was devised to chip away at his very soul, and I even witnessed her break out in a menacing grin after one particularly nasty jab. Upon leaving her residence at the end of the weekend, I found myself feeling completely drained, even though I wasn't the target of her abuse. The woman was, among her other attributes, a psychic vampire of the worst order.
Similar to the topic starter's situation, this woman took the brunt of her abuse out on Jeremy and left the other two siblings alone. In fact, she actually funded their respective college educations but left Jeremy to fend for himself. Having grown up in a very supportive family unit I was at a loss to her foul behavior. Weeks later, something about Jeremy's situation dawned on me: His two siblings looked like their mother. Jeremy did not. He looked more like his mother's first husband, whom she despised. And many of her insults were aimed at his physical appearance but he had never made the connection. I also noticed she was deriving pleasure from his pained responses to her emotional abuse. I think she could sense his frailty and sensitivity and like the vampire she was, continued to feed off his discomfort. On the other side of the coin, I think his expectations toward her may have too high as is the case with most of us before we realize parents are only human. She was not educated, had gotten knocked up at sixteen. When I met her she must have been at least 60, and from what I could surmise she still hadn't grown up and while she feigned being the responsible citizen about town, attending protestant services, volunteering at the church and other charitable endeavors, she was a total demon toward her own son. This is not the hallmark of a secure, mature individual and in my estimation she should never have had children in the first place. I am of the mind most people should not procreate, for that matter. They simply do not have the psychological makeup for it so the horror stories come as no surprise to me anymore.
For anyone faced with a dilemma like this I would first ask them to adopt an objective perspective (not easy, I know) and stand outside the situation as a stranger might. This will give you insights you would otherwise miss. In Jeremy's case, he later confirmed his mother did, in fact, resent the fact he bore more physical resemblance to his father than her. In fact, he looked nothing like her. Sometimes the motivation for abusive behavior is really this superficial. My advice to him was to stop reacting (in his usual way) to her insults, thus depriving her of the satisfaction and motive to continue her assaults.
Thankyou for replying. Your take on my sitution is interesting, though me and my siblings mainly look like our Dad. I think all of this is down to my sister is very outspoken and tells them any problems she has and is very confident and goes out and gets what she wants. My parents, I think view me, and always have done as a bit of a mistake. They're ambitious and money driven and they got knocked up with me when my mum was 16. Thanks for your story, very common to be gratley affected by your parents, even if they dont realise it.
inverse_bloom, on Dec 7 2009, 12:38 AM, said:
You know this may sound harsh, either for you or for them. But if i were you i would forget about them and move on big time! No blaming, just remember your now an adult and have the capacity well within yourself to move on. By continuing to blame them it will only take your own self empowerment away from yourself at this point in time, which is something you should try to avoid.
My parents were a bit like that, but not so much into playing a game of favorites. A counselor told me when i was about 18/19 that playing the blame game won't help you in the moment now. Despite this i have always acknowledged that they weren't particularly attentive caring parents, who found it hard to face up to their own responsibilities and not their own needs.
Don't be nice to them! If you think having no contact will help YOU, then don't confuse yourself with worry, just do it. I wont talk to my dad anymore because he is an arrogant ahole, its not that im trying to get my own back but more so to save my SELF ESTEEM by keeping the hell away from him.
Id suggest you keep away from your parents and seek the support of friends in times of need.
Thanks for taking the time to reply to my rant. You're right I dont owe them anything, and i'd so cut them off, but when they move, I need to carry on contact with my bro and sis. This is why it's all a bit difficult.
, Please 
2
They have always been useless parents. When I was growing up they just dumped me on any reative/neighbour/anyone who'd have me. Then My dad started working away, so the little bit of bond I did have with him is demolished! Then, fast forward a few years, I finished school, got together with my now husband, they hated that I was with him all the time. No no, dont get the wrong idea, not because they missed me! It was because I couldn't look after my brother more ( I took him to school 3 days per week, and on them days left college early to pick him up!) and I couldn't do as much housework. So because I was out with Ash so much they moved me out of my room into the smaller room then charged me rent. Then I moved out and my mum accused me of not loving my brother any more because of me working full time and not having the time. She's minipulitive and nasty. She messed me up. I've come to terms with the fact my dad doesn't want anything to do with me now, at last (according to my mum, because i'm not motivated!) in other words, not COMPLETELY money orientated like them, so much so they couldn't even be bothered to look after their kids. 
