12 replies to this topic

[missy2205]

Hey guys i have a bit of a problem in my life i don’t know if u guys can help me by giving me advice on what to do. I have an ex boyfriend who is giving me problems, i broke up with him about 6 months ago and now i m dating someone else who i have fallen inlove with. The problem now is that i kinda went out to a club with my friends and we got drunk and it so happen that the guy was there at the club. He came on to me dancing with me and all and then after that he told me that he is still in love with me and he spoke of the good times we had together, were we used to go and people we used to see and hang out with. For sure we used to have a great time, one thing lead to another and then i ended up at his house. The night was magical we had a great night but to be honest i wasn’t thinking straight i think it’s because of the alcohol. The night passed and in the morning i regretted it, i hated myself for behaving so stupidly and then i said to him we have to talk because he was all happy making me breakfast in bed thinking that we are back together but i had to tell him that i don’t want to be with him we broke up and everything that happened was a mistake. I had to leave his house as soon as possible, to be honest he wasn’t happy at all because he thinks that i have used him which i don’t think i did we had too many to drink and we were both not thinking normally.

Now he is threatening to tell my current boyfriend about it all if i don’t agree to sleep with him. He has been blackmailing me since now i don’t know what to do because he said i should meet him and we have the night like we had before. What i did was not right but at the same time i don’t want to tell my boyfriend because i know it hurt him. He loves me to bit and he will do anything i mean anything for me. He introduced me to his family and they adore me they all think i m a good person but right now i don’t feel like a good person at all. I love my man and i don’t want this to come out because if this comes out i m scared my man will leave me and i don’t want that to happen. Should i sleep with this guy to keep things like it is now or shall i just tell my boyfriend and then risk him dumping me. I know i did wrong and i know i shouldn’t have got that drunk to lose my mind. I hate my ex for this and i hated him after we broke up because he slept with my best friend whih is why we are not together anymore. He destroyed my friendship and now he wants to destroy my relationship. It looks like he doesn’t want to see me happy at all. I don’t know what to do with this guy, everytime i think he is out of my life he pops up again. I just wish he could just stay out of my life. I don’t want him and i don’t want to me with him anymore i hate his gutts

Edited by missy2205, 12 January 2011 - 06:42 PM.

[Parubilla]

I think the best thing you can do is to come clean with your boyfriend about everything before things get ugly with your ex, because if you don't do anything, your boyfriend is going to find out sooner or later and he's is going to be even more pissed with you. If you love him then tell him the truth and try to explain to him what happened, everyone make mistakes we are all humans, so maybe he'll understand the situation and forgive you at some point. If he forgive you then don't expect him to be like normal right away because he is going to be piss but eventually he'll be the same as always, you betray his trust and you need to do anything you can to gain it back.

You cannot pay attention to your ex because if you do it once, you'll have to do it over and over again, so be brave and try to solve things.

[anwiii]

ofcourse you tell your current boyfriend the truth. this is a no brainer. what, you want to lie to save your own *bottom*? grow up. you made a mistake. now it's time to face the consequences of it. i'll tell you one thing, your new relationship will never work based on lies. i promise you that. if he dumps you, you very well deserve it and you know it. he deserves truth and honesty though. i'm sure you would want the same from him. if he doesn't dump you, then i hope you do everything in your power to make it up to him. personally, i think he deserves better than someone who would cheat on him. that's just me though....

if you're gonna blame alcohol for your behavior and mistakes, then i think it's time to consider not drinking. it's pathetic how you could use that excuse to try and save face....like you had no control over your own decisions. i am not looking down on ya. we all make mistakes, but sometimes when people want advice, it's best just to be blunt because you really do have to see what you are doing to yourself and other people around you rather than hide behind excuses and lies

[vhortex]

Tell him the truth, if he will find out himself he will just dump you for not being honest and cheating. If you will tell him yourself, he may dump you but he may forgive you and let that be a lesson. The outcome depends on how you say it, on how his perception of you and on how much he loves you.

If you will stick with your Ex's plans, then I am pretty sure that you will lose your beloved boyfriend sooner. If I was your man, I will instantly dump you for hiding things from me and keeps on cheating on a false hope that we will be together if I won't know what you are doing.

Blaming alcohol for everything is a lame excuse, alcohol will always stay inside its bottle unless you take it yourself, pour it on a glass and drink it. Alcohol won't even force you to take more. That is plainly the truth that will never change. It was never the alcohol's fault instead it is on how weak your personality is to just keep on drinking.

Edited by vhortex, 21 January 2011 - 11:41 AM.

[Iniyila]

yes telling the truth is very important, i really think everyone wants to hear the truth from his/her friend himself not from another one or another thing. this problem is not so much important to hide it from your boyfriend and it is something normal to getting some black things (Mails, Calls, ...) from ex friends. the most important thing is to saying all of the story not just saying that he is black mailing me because we broke up. you should tell your boyfriend everything happened including that night because maybe someday your boyfriend sees you ex one then he will hear from him and probably will get angry or even a physical velitation can occur which can really get your relationship into difficulties. so if you want to say the truth then say it complete and do not afraid from it because it is something that happened and you can not do anything after that so not saying the truth will only makes situation worse.

About the second part i should say no one can destroy a friendship if there is nothing wrong with that friendship. if both ones be honest with each other and do not hide anything or do not lie about anything and they really love each other, then no ones behavior can destroy that friendship because it is based on honesty. this thing is completely true for a relationship too so you should not think about your relationship getting ruined by your ex just say the truth. i have seen people trying to keep their ex silent by even giving him/her money which is very wrong. this will make your ex thinking he can use this thing as a tool to control you and getting what he wants.

and in the end i suggest you to keep yourself away from using alcohol in a public place because this will cause many problems which you have saw one of them.

[anwiii]

see- everyone is saying come clean. a response can be summed up very quickly... would you rather be worried about being blackmailed in the future or would you rather worry about your character so you WONT be blackmailed in the future? that sums it up. now YOU choose how you want to live....

[k_nitin_r]

All I can say is the same as what anyone else on the forum would say. Tell your boyfriend what really happened and if he hears it from you and he really loves you, he will forgive you. The night with the ex is a mistake you will have to live with. It happened and there is nothing you can do to change the past. To keep the present, all that you can do is go with the truth and hope it all goes well but expect that there is a good chance that it will not.

As soon as you have set things right with your boyfriend, the threats from your ex will not seem threatening any more and he would only make a fool of himself if he eventually does end up telling your boyfriend about what happened on the night with ex.

[sheepdog]

I agree with the general concensis of the gang here. Come clean with the new boyfriend. Tell him what happened, apoligise, and hope for the best.

This will actually save you a lot of grief in the future. For one thing, now you should know for a fact that it was the right thing to do to break up with the old boyfriend since obviously he is a real *bottom* for trying to black mail you like he is doing now. Not the kind of person you would want to be involved with. And if the new one dumps you, you will find out that he is the unforgiving type and it probably wasn't a good relationship to be in anyway.

And you might want to lay off the booze too.

[mrdee]

The best solution is, indeed as others pointed out too, the most difficult one.

The main thing here is: "DO NOT GIVE IN TO HIS BLACKMAIL"!!!!!!!!!
If you do, he is going to keep coming back for more and still tell your new boyfriend in the end, which would most probably lead to an inevitable break-up, and picking up the pieces from that will cause you a lot more pain and heartache than the situation you are in now.

You might think that his demands, although you don't feel like obliging, will keep him quiet, well, THEY WON'T!
The only thing hat will happen is that he, when he has had enough, or at the slightest argument or disagreement, or when he feels he has not quite had what he wanted, will be round your current boyfriend like a shot to spill the beans.

Then, what will you do, when your boyfriend hears that you have been cheating on him for goodness knows how long, and he had to hear it from somebody else?

It would be much better to be one step ahead and to come clean, of course it will hurt him, but also explain the circumstances (although, I know, excess alcohol is not really an excuse), but, if he really loves you and is the understanding kind of man, chances are that he will forgive you, but, mind you, that might take time.

However, do stop walking around with a guilty conscience, this is one of the situations where the saying "honesty is the best policy" goes more than ever.

Think about it, try to do what your conscience tells you, but bear my advice (and that of other people in the thread) in mind.

Come clean, and maybe have a bit of heartache for a while, but save yourself a heartache that lasts for years or even a lifetime.

[missy2205]

thanks for all the advice. Basically you all advice me to come clean. Which I am petrified of because I don't wanna loose this new man i have. We got a lot going for us and I am petrified to even think of thinking that we wont be together cause I was stupid. I have tried to sort of test the waters by telling my bf about a cousin or friend who was in a situation like this and my boyfriend just wont even hint at being understanding. For instance I said to him my cousins girl cheated on him by mistake and gave him my scenario as the base and asked what his reaction would be if he was my cousin. He was like There is no excuse for cheating your cousin should dump the girl shes no good. Maybe if it was the other way round we'd say guys a re playas and she should be more understanding but a woman cheating is the ultimate betrayal be cause woman are faithful by nature. Thats why in society if a woman goes to her friends crying that he cheated they all react by saying men are like that and she can dump him and move on but if a woman cheats its like armageddon its like what the heck happen for her to cheat it as if it a massive shock to hear a woman cheats yet men cheat with women except the homosexuals of course.


This just made me more scared to even start my topic with him. Sometimes the guilt just tears at me so much and I wanna own up and be honest. I just wish I was a guy cause guys can hold secrets. Anwii please don't mean tough on me i effed up and I am really sorry about what I did I know alcohol is not an excuse but truth is I would not have done this if i had be sober there is no way in hell i would have. I just had a nice time which wen too far and I regretted it from the moment i woke up sober. Is there a nice way of breaking it down so my hind doesnt get dumped by my boyfriend. I havent been able to concentrate properly if we watch a movie on dvd which has cheating i well up inside and cripple with fear and anxiety cause I know I am that hoe on the Tv whose cheating but i console myself cause at least i had some sort of excuse no mater how shallow and flimsy it is.

Would going to a priest or a church and confessing cleanse my conscience or is the only retribution to confess to my men. I am tempted to go sleep with the ex because I am desperate to keep this under wraps. My ex somehow has managed to get my current boyfriends number and he sent me a text saying he has the number and forwarded the number to me as proof. that all it takes to destroy me is a single text. I have tried to stay away from him and call his bluff before thinking he would back off but now hes actually showing me he has the upper hand because he has the bf's number at hand. Thing is My boyfriend also told me a few days back that that he broke up with his ex cause she did the dirty on him by sleeping with her ex so this just seems de ja vu already. The way he talks about her and the way he cringes when he describes the way she did dirt on him you can tell he genuinely went through a lot of pain and suffering when he found out. But I am not her because I did not do this as fun behind his back I was drunk and intoxicated I wasnt thinking straight. I sear if I had been sober there would be no chance what so ever that i would be writting this story because it would never have happened. I dont wanan break his heart, I dont wana loose his love. He is so sweat and loving and I want to be his wife one day. God knows the anguish I am because of this. I hate the ex for wanting to take my happiness away. Maybe he wasnt drunk he was using tactic to get me in bed so he could black male me. I realise now the magic of the night we shared drunk is not worth the loss i may suffer.

Guys help me. I need a way to cut this brat off for good so he leaves me alone and stops harassing me for sex. I spoke to a another girl from youth group hypothetically and she said if she was in the hypothetical situation she would sleep with the ex but tell him she wanted ruff sex role play and then record it on a mobile fone hidden in the room then blackmail him to expose him as a rapist if he ever tried to black mail her again. This is tempting but i dont know how to doctor videos so im bummed here.

Grrrrrrrrrrr