12 replies to this topic

[anwiii]

are you serious? you are going to sit there and ask me not to be mean? listen. i wasn't the one who cheated. i am not the one trying to cover it up. i am not the one contimplating cheating on someone AGAIN. i am not the one playing games with other peoples heads giving false scenarios. you can site there and ask me not to be mean?

ok well, first of all, i wasn't being mean. i was being blunt. i read people like you a mile away and brutal bluntness is the only way to get through to your type. if being honest is mean, then i guess i am mean. listen. EVERYONE here gave you the same advice. TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND. there is no other option. will it be easy? nope! but i figure you to be someone who has always tried to take the easy way out in life. this is why you are contimplating sleeping with someone else again. that's a lot easier than seeing the pain in your boyfriends eyes when you tell him. having sex with your ex when your drunk is easier than being responsible.

fact is, this isn't about you anymore. this isn't about what YOU should do. it's now about your current boyfriend and what HE deserves. let me tell you what he DOESN'T deserve. first off, he doesn't deserve you. he deserves honesty. he deserves love. he deserves to be treated fairly. you aren't giving him ANY of that by cheating on him and lying about it. what's WORSE is that if you weren't being blackmailed, you'd be happy even though you are cheating on him, lying to him and keeping things from him. you are the type of person who would feel relieved. why? because you like taking the easy way out so you don't have to stand up to the consequences of your actions.

am i being mean when i say i care more about what happens to your boyfriend than you? you wish you were a guy because guys are good liars? listen to yourself. you are literally saying you want to lie. you're coming straight out and telling the world you want to lie. you want to cheat and keep things from this guy. i have a feeling you don't quite understand how you think and what comes out of your mouth so am i being mean when i feel i have to repeat what you said?

your boyfriend got cheated on by his ex. it devastated him and he was willing to go back out there and trust someone else. that someone else was you....who did what? cheated on him! ofcourse your gonna break his heart. ofcourse he's not going to want anything to do with you for a while. does this mean you shouldn't tell him? OFCOURSE NOT. this isn't about you and how bad you will feel or about how bad he will feel. this is about honesty and truth and to allow him to know this part of you rather than keep it a secret. if you don't tell him, you're just gonna hurt him again. personally, i don't want that to happen.

your friend now gives advice that you should cheat on your boyfriend again? what kind of people do you hang around? cheat on him and blackmail him like you were raped or something? get an innocent man thrown in jail? all you're doing is compounding lies. your creating more lies to cover up the old ones. how the heck is this supposed to help the situation? eventually, you will be surounding yourself with so many lies, there will be a time when it all comes crushing down on your head. not only that, you might even get used to it so much, it's all you know how to do.

no listen....and listen carefully. my intention is not to be mean. my intention is to get you to see yourself. it's not pretty, but there is a solution and it starts by doing something very hard. you HAVE to be honerable and honest with your boyfriend. you have to. i am not saying this because i want to hurt you....and it will hurt you. it will hurt him too. but you have to allow HIM to make his own choices. by keeping things from him, you are caging him and not allowing him to make choices based on the truths he knows. trying to save him and protect him from the hurt is out of the question. you probably feel it's with good intentions you are thinking how you are. that you don't want to hurt him when in reality, all you're thinking about is yourself. you don't want to hurt YOURSELF. you whole thought process is a selfish one. not ONE THING did i hear out of your mouth was about your boyfriend. it has all been about you and what you can do to hide who you are. believe me, you don't want to compound lies. it may seem like the easy way out and in a way it is, but in the future, all those lies WILL come back to you and you will be worse off than you would have been if you were honest from the start. now you have to be honest with your guy. there is no other good option.

how do you deal with your ex? go down to the police station and tell them what is going on. if he is stalking you and you don't want him around, they can help you get a restraining order or an ex parte since he is an ex. what that will do is prevent him from contacting you and anyone you know. if he does, he goes to jail. it's as simple as that. but you STILL have to be honest with your boyfriend. and don't play games with him by giving him scenarios. he doesn't deserve that either. your testing the waters for YOU. not for him. again, SELFISH. you OWE IT TO HIM to be honest. do it for HIM. NOT for YOU. you get me? he deserves that much if was willing to put trust in you and be with you. he does NOT deserve dishonesty or hidden truths.

listen, i feel for you, i really do. i am trying my best to give you the best advice. i gaurantee it will be better advice than any of your friends will offer you. and you really have to wonder who your real friends are missy. i don't even know you but i am giving you some no nonsense, straight up advice. no game playing, no lies, just some straight up advice. i know you've got your own problems. ok. maybe you can talk about them in another thread, but you need to be honest with your boyfriend now. it's not only the respectable thing to do, but the honorable thing to do. it will build your character and you need that right now too. don't live like this missy because over time it will be easier and easier until you wake up one day and you don't even know who you are.

also, my advice is to break it off with your boyfriend and not enter in to another relationship for a while. if you're gonna hurt people in a relationship, then you're not ready to be in one. be single for a while. you sound needy and being selfish doesn't play well in a relationship when a relationship is about SHARING. you get me? there's time for all of that. get to know yourself and what type of person you want to be because until you know and until you can practice it, how on earth are you ever going to be able to share yourself fully with someone else? be true to yourself FIRST....then you can be true to those you say you love. and listen, you made some mad mistakes but that doesn't mean you are a mad person. we all make mistakes. it's up for us to FACE our mistakes head on so we can learn from them so they don't happen again. we don't learn from our mistakes by covering them up. when we can learn from our mistakes, it makes us better people. believe me.....no.....it's not easy. life ain't easy. life is supposed to be hard sometimes because life is a test. look at life as a game in some senses. you wont win this game of life by lies and deciet. trust me.

now do the right thing. tell your boyfriend. NOT because you are beling blackmailed, but because it's the right thing to do. and go to the cops or tell someone in your life that can help you with this guy like your parents or a teacher who can be supportive. also, if your gonna sit there and tell me you would have never commited that act you did if it had not been for you drinking, then what that tells me is you will commit more stupid acts when you drink again. you went clubbing? where were your friends who are suppose to protect you if you're being stupid? you better get some new friends. yea, they may be fun to hang with, but they aren't your friends

lastly, your life is a jerry springer show. STOP IT! i admire your openess in this thread....now be open with your boyfriend and let us know how it goes. i'll be more compassionate with you when you start doing the right thing.

missy2205, on 12 February 2011 - 02:55 AM, said:

thanks for all the advice. Basically you all advice me to come clean. Which I am petrified of because I don't wanna loose this new man i have. We got a lot going for us and I am petrified to even think of thinking that we wont be together cause I was stupid. I have tried to sort of test the waters by telling my bf about a cousin or friend who was in a situation like this and my boyfriend just wont even hint at being understanding. For instance I said to him my cousins girl cheated on him by mistake and gave him my scenario as the base and asked what his reaction would be if he was my cousin. He was like There is no excuse for cheating your cousin should dump the girl shes no good. Maybe if it was the other way round we'd say guys a re playas and she should be more understanding but a woman cheating is the ultimate betrayal be cause woman are faithful by nature. Thats why in society if a woman goes to her friends crying that he cheated they all react by saying men are like that and she can dump him and move on but if a woman cheats its like armageddon its like what the heck happen for her to cheat it as if it a massive shock to hear a woman cheats yet men cheat with women except the homosexuals of course.


This just made me more scared to even start my topic with him. Sometimes the guilt just tears at me so much and I wanna own up and be honest. I just wish I was a guy cause guys can hold secrets. Anwii please don't mean tough on me i effed up and I am really sorry about what I did I know alcohol is not an excuse but truth is I would not have done this if i had be sober there is no way in hell i would have. I just had a nice time which wen too far and I regretted it from the moment i woke up sober. Is there a nice way of breaking it down so my hind doesnt get dumped by my boyfriend. I havent been able to concentrate properly if we watch a movie on dvd which has cheating i well up inside and cripple with fear and anxiety cause I know I am that hoe on the Tv whose cheating but i console myself cause at least i had some sort of excuse no mater how shallow and flimsy it is.

Would going to a priest or a church and confessing cleanse my conscience or is the only retribution to confess to my men. I am tempted to go sleep with the ex because I am desperate to keep this under wraps. My ex somehow has managed to get my current boyfriends number and he sent me a text saying he has the number and forwarded the number to me as proof. that all it takes to destroy me is a single text. I have tried to stay away from him and call his bluff before thinking he would back off but now hes actually showing me he has the upper hand because he has the bf's number at hand. Thing is My boyfriend also told me a few days back that that he broke up with his ex cause she did the dirty on him by sleeping with her ex so this just seems de ja vu already. The way he talks about her and the way he cringes when he describes the way she did dirt on him you can tell he genuinely went through a lot of pain and suffering when he found out. But I am not her because I did not do this as fun behind his back I was drunk and intoxicated I wasnt thinking straight. I sear if I had been sober there would be no chance what so ever that i would be writting this story because it would never have happened. I dont wanan break his heart, I dont wana loose his love. He is so sweat and loving and I want to be his wife one day. God knows the anguish I am because of this. I hate the ex for wanting to take my happiness away. Maybe he wasnt drunk he was using tactic to get me in bed so he could black male me. I realise now the magic of the night we shared drunk is not worth the loss i may suffer.

Guys help me. I need a way to cut this brat off for good so he leaves me alone and stops harassing me for sex. I spoke to a another girl from youth group hypothetically and she said if she was in the hypothetical situation she would sleep with the ex but tell him she wanted ruff sex role play and then record it on a mobile fone hidden in the room then blackmail him to expose him as a rapist if he ever tried to black mail her again. This is tempting but i dont know how to doctor videos so im bummed here.

Grrrrrrrrrrr

[missy2205]

Sorry if i used the wrong phrase when I said mean instead of Blunt but surely you understood the point i was trying to get acros. I wasnt trying to piss you off or make you angry or make you seem a bad person. I was just saying dont judge me too harsh. What i did was wrong I know it but is the punishment of loosing a chance at happiness surely the only answer. You all say tell him the truth. Would you really tell the truth in my situation. its easy to accuse me of lying but how many of you would honestly tell the truth in my shoes. Im not saying lying is right but come on. We all find it easy to say I wanna know the truth so I react accordingly yet some of us a re too fragile inside to handle half the truth.its so easy to sit there and call me any name under the sun but right now. I am not asking for judgement i was asking for an easirr less hurtfull way out.

Yes Relationships are about sharing but they are not entirely about sharing. People don't go into relationships to share but because they think the other person will make them happy. I am making my boyfriend happy. I am the reason he has a smile on his face the reason he gets up and feels good about himself. Should I let him down because I just couldn't keep one lousy secret. Come on people even married couples don't share 100% there are some thing better left in the closet. The question is which things. And While its advisable to tell him the truth would you really want to know that kind of truth maybe a lie of omitting is not as bad as a lie or opposition. The question Anwii mentioned is does my BF deserves I know some things he deserves. eg. happiness, he deserves a chance to be happy, he deserves a human girlfriend who is real not a perfect Barbie who does not exist unless he dates a blow up doll. Im not saying I'm perfect No I have this guilty secret but its one secret and not a whole bunch. I am not perfect I made a mistake OK and Im living tough cause of that. If you think i like taking the easy way out then why oh why do i feel like this inside why is it tearing and eating me up inside. The reason is cause this is not the easy way out. its actually the harder way out. You don't know how it feels to keep freaking out each time we together and he gets a text cause you freaking scared it maybe the doomsday text.

As for my friends the ones who gave me advise they are not people I hang out with all the time they are just people from the youth group I go to weekly I did not want my buddies (the close friends) i have to bear the burden of the secret hence I didnt tell them. I chose to speak to a more strangely person who even if they judged me it would not matter. I am not a bad person as you make me out to be when you say Im selfish. There is a difference between selfish and procrastination Right now I am trying to work out the best path to take after a mistake I have not made a decision to hide things forever I am just seeing the pros and cons of telling or not telling.

Restraining orders are easily got if you go to the cops but I do not want to do stuff that will involve to many people knowing my business of a first hand can identify me business. I wanted to try every way possible that maintains anonymousity before walking into a police station and filing a report. Though at the current rate I may end up having no choice but to retaliate by involving the long arm of the law. When I spoke about havign sex with ex again to black mail him with video I didnt say i want that it was just a suggestion from a person I knew who I now admit did not give the soundest of advice. But in my shoes in desperation it seemed just an option i could contemplate. I dont make the rules of how many mistakes a person can make in a relationship but sometimes the hardest part is not telling or owning up but the process of regrettting and wonderign whether owning up is the completely right thing to do.

[anwiii]

i am not mad nor angry. the difference between you and i is that i don't care what people think of me. that's why i can get away with being blunt. i know your in a desperate situation. that is why i have been firm because you sound like you'd do anything right now even if it meant making more mistakes to try and fix this situation and dilema.

would i tell the truth if i was in your shoes? you bet i would! but then again, i would never be in your shoes to begin with. the reason i know drinking isn't an excuse is i used to go out and drink all the time, but i never cheated on anyone in my life. it would be hard to hurt the person i love if i ever did. it would be hard to tell them what i did, but i would tell them because it's not about me. it's about THEM too. THEY have a right to decide who they want to be with.....someone who will cheat or someone who will not cheat. i would tell them because if they decide to leave me, i will know in my heart i probably deserve to be left and the only thing that would be holding me back is my own selfishness. i would also tell him because i know i have to be accountable for my actions or i learn nothing. if i learn nothing, then it's easier to cheat. i strive to be a better person every day of my life which means doing the things i don't want to do. i have to force myself sometimes. and it's hard. in the long run though, it works out for the best. staying on course with good morals and values which allow me to make better decisions in my life as i get older makes me stronger and wiser. it really doesn't help me much in the short run because life can really suck sometimes, but in the long run, it's invaluable.

i mean it's really about just asking ourselves simple questions until we realize the truth. simple questions like.... do we want to be honest? or a liar? do we want to be selfish? or unselfish? after people can answer those simple questions, then they can ask themselves harder questions like....should i lie just to keep someone happy or tell them the truth which will not make them happy.

this isn't about the lie either. it's the degree of the lie. mean, if you stole $20 and felt guilty, you would have no problem confessing. it's a truth you would be more willing to admit. does a person deserve to know who stole from them? ofcourse they do. your in the same situation as that, just a different degree. are they going to be happy you stole money? heck no. they trust you. they would probably hide thier wallet or purse everytime you came over until they can trust you again. will this guy be happy you cheated? ofcourse not. he'll probably leave you for a while until he can decide for himself if it's worth it trying to trust you again.

yes, people get in to relationships because it makes them feel better than not being in one. but a relationship is much much more than selfish thoughts. it's about making the other person feel happy too. if you decide it's ok to keep things from your boyfriend or lie to him or do things behind his back that you know he wont like, then i am sorry, it doesn't matter HOW he makes you happy, you aren't in a relationship because a relationship is about sharing....the good AND the bad.

and let me tell you something missy that you fail to understand. if i wanted to talk about how it's about you right now, than i would still tell you to tell him because every day you're with him, your going to have this conscience and guilt eating at you. if you're a good person inside, then you will definately be miserable keeping this stuff hidden from him. i PROMISE you that. you're going to start feeling bad about yourself and worse over time. this will lead to other things that will SURELY end the relationship in the future. also, when two people are with eachother, they sort of know their little patterns that is hard to recognise otherwise. your boyfriend may already know that something is strange or wrong but can't put ihis finger on it......no matter how hard you try to keep it from him.

also, if the truth that you tried to hide from him ever comes out, you lose him for SURE. it's as simple as that unless he's a fool. if i was the guy, i would have to think long and hard after you told me the truth. but if i found out from someone else besides you, i wouldn't have anything to think about. i would know you not only cheated on me, you intentionally lied and kept things from me. you're sober now. you can't use alcohol as an escuse. i would say goodbye and not look back.

everything what i've said in my last messages and this one is why you need to tell him despite how it will make him feel and you feel. it's all bad, it's just being honest is the lessor of two evils in the long run.

if you don't want to stop this guy who is harrassing you, that's up to you. don't bring up a situation which you make sound desperate if your not willing to stop him LEGALLY. the other alternative is to avoid him. NOT read his texts or his voice mails. just delete them as they come through. or talk to your cell phone company to see how you can block his incoming calls or texts or how you can change your #. you're gonna make excuses why you can't do that either?

also missy, i have to say this again that i don't feel you are ready for any relationship. you need time to get to know your own self before sharing a part of your life with others. you don't need a guy and to be honest, you don't sound too happy even if there is a guy in your life. just remember, a guy wont ever be a fix to your problems. it's probably a good idea to take a break from this relationship for a while anyway so it give you and him a chance to think on things and what's best for your futures. if you can have that mindset before you tell him, it will make it easier if he doesn't want anything to do with you.

btw- you mentioned about if a guy cheats it's ok, and if a girl cheats, all hell breaks loose? no missy....cheating is bad no matter who does it. it takes two people to cheat on one person. for example, your in a relationship and cheated. that's obvious. but your ex ALSO cheated knowing you were already in a relationship. he's just as guilty in hurting this guy....your current boyfriend.

and let me tell you something....the only reason why your ex is blackmailing you is because he thinks your a pushover and will give in to his demands. the only way do defeat it is to not be a pushover and mentally WEAK. he's using you...but since he knows you, he is going after your weak points. he's black mailing you because he CAN.

let me tell you a little story about cheating from a real life experience. a buddy of mine came up to me an confided that he was cheating on his wife. now i've known both of them before they were ever married. his wife was also a friend. what my buddy told me haunted me. i didn't want to live with this secret and my other friend deserved to know what was going on. so after a week, i told her. eventually they got a divorce and i lost a friend. guess what? i would do it again because it was the right thing to do! they had two kids together. they had a chance to work through things and go to counseling and stuff and try to save the marriage and family. i don't feel guilty about breaking up a family...the truth and honesty allowed them both to make decisions based on the truth and honesty. but guess what? i warned my friend to tell her before i did. he didn't take me up on it. it looked twice as bad on him that he didn't come clean and try to change his ways.

missy2205, on 12 February 2011 - 05:31 AM, said:

Sorry if i used the wrong phrase when I said mean instead of Blunt but surely you understood the point i was trying to get acros. I wasnt trying to piss you off or make you angry or make you seem a bad person. I was just saying dont judge me too harsh. What i did was wrong I know it but is the punishment of loosing a chance at happiness surely the only answer. You all say tell him the truth. Would you really tell the truth in my situation. its easy to accuse me of lying but how many of you would honestly tell the truth in my shoes. Im not saying lying is right but come on. We all find it easy to say I wanna know the truth so I react accordingly yet some of us a re too fragile inside to handle half the truth.its so easy to sit there and call me any name under the sun but right now. I am not asking for judgement i was asking for an easirr less hurtfull way out.

Yes Relationships are about sharing but they are not entirely about sharing. People don't go into relationships to share but because they think the other person will make them happy. I am making my boyfriend happy. I am the reason he has a smile on his face the reason he gets up and feels good about himself. Should I let him down because I just couldn't keep one lousy secret. Come on people even married couples don't share 100% there are some thing better left in the closet. The question is which things. And While its advisable to tell him the truth would you really want to know that kind of truth maybe a lie of omitting is not as bad as a lie or opposition. The question Anwii mentioned is does my BF deserves I know some things he deserves. eg. happiness, he deserves a chance to be happy, he deserves a human girlfriend who is real not a perfect Barbie who does not exist unless he dates a blow up doll. Im not saying I'm perfect No I have this guilty secret but its one secret and not a whole bunch. I am not perfect I made a mistake OK and Im living tough cause of that. If you think i like taking the easy way out then why oh why do i feel like this inside why is it tearing and eating me up inside. The reason is cause this is not the easy way out. its actually the harder way out. You don't know how it feels to keep freaking out each time we together and he gets a text cause you freaking scared it maybe the doomsday text.

As for my friends the ones who gave me advise they are not people I hang out with all the time they are just people from the youth group I go to weekly I did not want my buddies (the close friends) i have to bear the burden of the secret hence I didnt tell them. I chose to speak to a more strangely person who even if they judged me it would not matter. I am not a bad person as you make me out to be when you say Im selfish. There is a difference between selfish and procrastination Right now I am trying to work out the best path to take after a mistake I have not made a decision to hide things forever I am just seeing the pros and cons of telling or not telling.

Restraining orders are easily got if you go to the cops but I do not want to do stuff that will involve to many people knowing my business of a first hand can identify me business. I wanted to try every way possible that maintains anonymousity before walking into a police station and filing a report. Though at the current rate I may end up having no choice but to retaliate by involving the long arm of the law. When I spoke about havign sex with ex again to black mail him with video I didnt say i want that it was just a suggestion from a person I knew who I now admit did not give the soundest of advice. But in my shoes in desperation it seemed just an option i could contemplate. I dont make the rules of how many mistakes a person can make in a relationship but sometimes the hardest part is not telling or owning up but the process of regrettting and wonderign whether owning up is the completely right thing to do.