11 replies to this topic

[Indego_Media]

So yesterday I was watching a great movie, "Shelter" 2007 its all about one guys struggle with life and responsibility and fitting in to social expectations. Its a great story, all about love and dicsovering new things, about family and loyalty. it got me thinking about my relationship. I've been with my partner for 10 years next week actually. We have had our moments and believe me i've screwed more then a few things up along the way. But what i miss most about our life at the moment is the Romance. Not the Sex but the romance. you know that feeling when you walk into a room and they are there and all you want to do is be with them, they smile and it lights up your world. Well i miss that. Believe me I still love my partner, more now then I think i did when we first fell in love. Its just that life seems to have gotten away from us and we are all about getting things done. making sure everything is perfect or at least looks that way. I miss US..... the alone time with just the two of us, we have our kids and I would'nt trade that for the world but I really do miss US.

Am I just being silly or am I focusing on what I want too much. I don't know I seem to be always asking for more ME time and US time and it just never seems to happen, by the time I get home from Work, We are both so Tired and set into our routine that before I know it I'm sitting on the lounge watching TV or reading of something and my partner is on their way to bed or already in Bed asleep. We seem to live in the house together and occuppy the house but at times other then the fact that we sleep in the same bed, we just don't seem to be together, it scares me a little, actually a lot. As i've said I've done some stupid and hurtful things over the past then years and every time my partner has moved passed my screwups and we have moved on together. I just want to know is it possible to get that ROMANCE back into your life after 10 years and how do i do it?

i'd give anything to feel that excitment of the first stage of love again that rush you get when you hold hands or cuddle at night. I love that when i crawl into bed at night my partner without realising "usually while asleep" reaches over and grabs my hand and holds me tight as i fall off to sleep. that gives me conformt. I love that we have our little rituales, we allways kiss before i leave for work and usually kiss when i get home and walk in the door "Unless they are on the phone". I know we love each other. I just think that SPARK of emotion or newness has faded and I don't want it too.. I've seen other couples in my family and friends circle that after 50 years of marrage seem to still have that conneciton and spark. I'm just wondering if they too went through that stage where everything seemed routine and dull, or if they allways had that spark that rush when they were together?

Anyway if you get the chance check out Shelter, watch it with an open mind its a beautifully filmed and written piece, well thats my rant / vent for the day

hope you are all doing well.

cheers

Jase.

PS any feedback or comments on relations / romance and love would be greatly appreciated positive comments only please

[anwiii]

hey bud, thanks for sharing your story. i don't know if i would consider it a vent though. maybe it was and your emotions weren't truely coming out from your words. in any case, i enjoyed reading it and i'll tell you why....

i think you have a pretty good relationship and sort of a success story in marriage. things may have not been perfect, and you may have screwed up and she may have done things you didn't like, but it seems you are perfect for eachother. this is why i enjoyed reading what you wrote because of what i saw when reading it.

now because i saw what i did, you shouldn't be too worried about this "spark". it's really easy to lose it when two people go on with their day without the other and when they get home, they do their rituals and stuff. but should this be something to worry about? i don't think so. fact is, she is probably thinking the same thing and from what i can tell when you crawl in to bed with you, she dearly loves you too.

so what i am thinking is stop with the every day rituals and do something new. since you brought it up, it starts with YOU right now. surprise her. do some little things that would get her to smile which i know would make your day just seeing it and create that spark. be creative when you think of ideas. i am a kid at heart and i am 43 now. but one idea that jumps out to me is write a note where she can find it, and play a little hide and seek. tell her she needs to find you.....or even just buy some string and unwind it all around the house and outside the house. she will have to follow it until she finds you at the end. then you give her some freshly picked flowers or something with a kiss. she would love that and so will you just knowing she loves it and seeing her glow and even knowing what her anticipation is trying to follow this string.

there are lots of things you can do to change your every day routine. make it silly, make it spontanious, make it romantic, and don't quit. do something new every day so you both can get out of this regular routine because this regular routine is the cause of everything in my opinion.

but listen, even if it doesn't happen, you don't have it bad. in fact, i feel you two are one of the lucky couples who have had what it takes to keep a marriage going. it's tough man, and you two are doing it. many people have it a lot worse.

what you are feeling is normal....even from a man's perspective. don't sweat it....but don't just write about it if you plan on doing nothing about it. take action and don't give up. your wife will soon follow and that spark will be there naturally again. just remember though.....if you plan on keeping the same routine, don't expect any sparks

thanks again for sharing. i'm sure you could teach other people a thing or two in how to stay married and stay in love for so long after so much hard work and struggles!

[Indego_Media]

Hi Anwiii,

thanks for the feedback its greatly appreciated, at the risk of loosing a potential online friend, i have a correction to make my partner is another man hope its not offending anyone here. but you are right in this day and age we are lucky. I know that and I appreciate the time you gave to give me support and feedback.

I'm thinking that the little supprises and gestures that are out of the norm might be the best route to take to Spark things up again.

Just on a side Note where do you feel i should have posted my comments if not the vent just for future reference?

anyway hope all is well

cheers
Jase

[anwiii]

oh no! haha i am embarrassed now. sorry about that. anyway, i don't think that is offensive. i can tell you this though. i am out of my league on this one. i have had many friends who have dated within the same sex and were attracted to eachother, but i really don't know what they do for romance or if it's even the same as what a man and a woman do....or what actually creates a spark.....if it's even the same. i don't know. you caught me off gaurd here so i appologize.

i do think the same thing applies though. try to get out of the daily routine when you are home together. also the same thing applies with you and your partner and your kids and how hard you two must have struggled to make things work. it really is a success story

i think the relationship category would have been the best bet. like i said, i don't know if it was really a vent because it didn't come out that way. if it was, then ya fooled me

anyway, just try to change the routine aspect of every day life when home. it's a start and i think if you don't quit on the idea, it can help a lot. also, tell your partner how you feel too if you haven't already. i was touched by your post and i am sure your partner will be touched too to know how you feel if he doesn't already or if you don't remind him. you didn't sound blaming or negative in any way. you sounded loving and caring.

[Indego_Media]

Hey don't be embarrassed..... i tend to be a little discrete when talking about my partner and our life usually.... so I tend to be less specific when i refer to my partner. As for your question as to wether a relationship between and same sex couple and opposite sex couple is the same. having been on both sides of that fence, its not the sex of the person that matters, its that attraction that you feel. its that chemistry.

I really appreciate your support and warm feedback..

thanks again.

[Alphacide]

I am not married, nor do I have kids (thank god!). However, I'm a university student who has put a great deal of time into sociology and psychology courses. And one topic covered in psych 404, was regarding intimate relationships. The 'spark' you are referring to is essentially anxiety, and is only supposed to last 3-6 years. After that many people will say the "spark is gone," this doesn't necessarily mean the two individuals do not love each-other anymore, it only means they have become very accustomed to each-other and no longer have the anxiety created by intimate social interactions. Essentially, I can tell you that it is completely natural and you should not be worrying about it that much.

If I where to give someone a tip to make 'the spark' appear again, I would probably suggest trying to incorporate other anxiety producing(not stupid though), activities together. For example, traveling to places you have never been before - or watching a horror movie at a 12:00 showing.

Hope I helped,
Alphacide

Edited by Alphacide, 06 May 2011 - 04:20 PM.

[anwiii]

i have to agree with that completely. i don't like to use "anxiety" to describe it though because there are too many things in society that made that word a negative word which it really isn't. it just depends on what is creating the anxiety. i like to describe it more like just getting the blood flowing. and you are right. that spark doesn't usually last forever. over time when people start to become more comfortable with eachother, it dies out. it doesn't mean it has to stay dead though. with a little creativity, that "fire" can be lit again.

you were more technical in your response, but it really is good for people to understand where things come from on a more technical level sometimes

[sheepdog]

Quote

but i really don't know what they do for romance or if it's even the same as what a man and a woman do....or what actually creates a spark.....if it's even the same.

I am not by any means an expert on this subject, but from what I have observed with many of my gay friends, there is virtually no differences in the man/woman vrs the man/man relationship. All of the relationship components are there, the emotional responces, the feelings and the way the 2 people interact with each other seem to be identical to me. It did seem to me to be rather strange when I first realized that this is the case, my mind kept telling me since the situation was "different" the relationship should of been too, but it really is not at all different.

As for the romance, if you miss it, why don't you get it back? Think back to when you first got together, remember the little things your partner did that got your heart all to fluttering, and what you did to make each other happy and make the effort to do those things again. The kind words and thoughtful gestures cannot possibly be all used up yet in the few years you guys have been together. Find even little things to show your affection and careing for your partner. Romance does not have to die. It just needs to be stoked like any other fire.

[anwiii]

i know it may seem the same.....but what i was talking about is would giving a flower to another gay man hold the same affect as if a man gave a woman a flower? guys don't normally appreciate flowers and that kind of romance as much as women do. when i was hanging around my gay friends in my mid twenties, i would watch them and there did seem to be differences in the romance compared to straight couples. i always thought it was just because it was two guys and not a girl/guy relationship and romance is based on a persons preference even if the thought still counts.

i know i never witnessed my gay friends giving flowers to their partners. i would see them kiss(yuck...i would rather see two girls kissing ) and i would have to turn my head haha, but as far as comparing a romance relationship between a gay and straight couple, i found there were differences, yet maybe it was only because they romanced each other more in private

so like i said, this is out of my area i think. plus, i was never good at romancing in my own life . i mean, i think i figured out what people need, i just always thought it's more important to just be yourself in a relationship.